Being a Secret Sucks

I sent Jessie a couple of texts this past weekend about stuff I was doing on my trip. I guess I assumed she would just respond like normal, but she didn’t. And this little voice inside kind of told me maybe she was avoiding texting me when her partner was around. And I was like, ohhhh that’s weird. That means I am a secret of sorts. And I thought I would just see if she ever got back to me, and if she did if it would be during her work hours. And sure enough on Monday morning at 6:30am in Vancouver which would have been 9:30am where she was, she texted me back. I didn’t respond right away, because I was too sleepy. But it did really come across as being fucking obvious. Like, she would have been at work, settling in, and finally checking her texts to see what I wrote.

I have only once tried to talk about my feelings to her through text, and she totally deflected and talked about something else. It’s like she’s aware she needs to keep that stuff off her phone.

It makes me very aware that she is finally very aware that we are having an on again off again emotional affair. She knows she can’t text me around her partner, she knows she can’t be alone with me, but she still flirts when she sees me out and about. It’s not fair to me. She’s trying to fix her relationship if she is in couples therapy. I know she must want to end this with me then, that’s the only logical thing to do. If she wants to be with that partner so much, and if she is acting like this, it’s best if we go our separate ways. It’s too bad, I really did love her. I mean, love isn’t enough though, and she is so determined to make her relationship work, and regardless of how dubious I feel about that relationship, it’s her life ultimately and if she can’t see how amazing I am and want to be with me for real, then fine. I need more than this.

Even if we were having an actual affair with fucking, it’s still not enough. I can’t do that. I need a monogamous long term relationship, with someone who REALLY wants to be with me, not someone who just likes to toy with my feelings so she can get emotional validation. And I hate feeling like I am always chasing someone who will never get caught. My ex and I saw each other this week and she told me I needed to find someone really fucking amazing who would chase me. And it’s goddamn true.

The funny thing is, I think about two or three people were kind of flirting with me or wanted to fool around. Two of them I know already, one was new. I don’t think any of them would have been a good idea because of the distance. But it was nice realizing there are at least SOME people who desire me. And who would have done something about it if our schedules had worked out or whatever. I’m kind of relieved about that.

Anyway, BACK to my boring and banal problem of being involved in an emotional affair with someone who is trying to make her relationship work… Well obviously none of us are getting what we want. I’m not getting a real girlfriend out of it. It’s detrimental to Jessie’s common law marriage. And obviously her partner is not happy with it either if they have gone to relationship counselling and Jessie is hiding our texting patterns. I mean the thing is if it wasn’t gonna be me it was gonna be someone else, she was obviously looking for someone to give her some attention. The thing is it doesn’t HAVE to be me anymore, and it’s making me miserable more often than not. I cry so much over it, and it’s like, probably helping me work through some feels about it. But also not. I mean at what point does crying stop helping the situation? I feel like I’ve gone through all these feelings over and over, and it’s not real great. I’m just recycling my process of trying to get over her. And not getting through it to the other side, where the rest of my life is gonna happen and I’ll actually be able to meet someone new who won’t be fucking secretive about me and half ashamed.

I’m so fucking sleepy omg. I need to go crash. I took my night meds, it’s 1:11. In the morning. I was gonna go to the fertility clinic tomorrow, but I’m fuckin’ wiped. I might need to sleep in.