Blind????????????? And shut out

So I took my dog to the vet yesterday to get some expensive blood and urine tests done on him to find out what is going on with him. Because he drinks a lot and eats a lot and pees a lot and is a little off. Anyway she thought there was an endocrine disease, like diabetes or cushings or thyroid issues or kidney problems. But then she found out all his tests came back normal from the lab. So it’s still a question. Today she brought up the possibility of gastrointestinal parasites, so I have to take a poo sample in next time. But she also tested his reflexes in his eyes, and one eye doesn’t respond when she swiftly moves her hand towards it like she’s going to strike him. So he doesn’t flinch and it’s a good chance he’s lost considerable sight in that eye. She tried to look at his optic nerve but he was all wigged out and not cooperating. So now she is thinking we should go see an ophthalmologist. And I was worried that would be pricey but I already dropped $600 on him between yesterday’s vet visit and todays. And if he does have eye issues and all he needs are drops or something, I would prefer that to having them remove his eyes down the road. I know it wouldn’t make him see again, to get drops, but it would keep him okay and happy. And I don’t want him to suffer if he has eye pressure or something.

I just know I would cry a lot if he had no eyes. It would make it realer. I’d feel sad never being able to look into his eyes again. I know he’s an old dog, and he won’t be around forever. But yeah it’s hard. As long as he is not suffering I will take care of him as best as I can. And if his quality of life goes down, I’ll be ready to let him go. But blindness can be managed, it’s not a death sentence like the other issues we thought he might have. He could be fine. Right now he is sleeping in his crate like a sweetheart. He’s hated going to the vet twice in two days. I feel so bad taking him there. Poor baby boy.  I mean, poor old man dog.

He does seem to have some sight in the other eye though.

Aww my pup!

Anyway, that was today. I had a work meeting later this afternoon. And this evening I have really just stuck close to home. I went out to get pop but it’s so bloody cold out there I refuse to go out again tonight. I was thinking of going to boxing tonight but nooooo could not bring myself to enter the outdoors a fourth time.

Tomorrow nothing is on my calendar.

I’ve started writing my memoirs. I wrote five pages yesterday night until I got too tired to write anymore. It’s weird writing about my life. Sometimes I am writing and I’m like “Wow that was an awful way for someone to treat me” and I don’t know how to talk about the truth. Like the truth was some people in my life were assholes. And I’m using real names in this first draft but I will probably give them all fake names and make things a bit more confusing to obscure real terrible people, especially the ones who ended up being decent later on in life. Like Rayanne was awful to me in high school. And now she’s okay. I don’t know about telling the truth, it’s hard.

And I know at some point I’ll have to write about Jessie and she will probably read it if it ever gets published and that’s embarrassing. And who knows maybe she won’t even read it the way she doesn’t go see any of my art anymore.

She still doesn’t like or comment on any of my stuff on social media. But she likes everyone else’s stuff. Ugh. I feel like I’m being ostracized and it’s shitty, and I still gotta work with her and yet at the same time I’m not getting group emails anymore and it’s like ummmmm what is going on? Am I being pushed out of her organization? Am I just gonna be the token Indigenous person who runs this one Indigenous program they do? Is this how she’s decided things are gonna go? We were all supposed to be on slack which is this annoying productivity app that lets you message each other as a group, but I’m not on slack and I never got an invite and it’s like great thanks I love being overlooked. Like to be honest I hate slack. I am a shitty slack user. But being kept out of organization conversations is pretty shitty. So I don’t know what is up with that. I did get an invite to a “visioning” meeting, but really it was just a doodle poll and only four people answered it. And so I don’t know when it is really. UGH FUCK I HATE THIS! Maybe I should quit. I’m sure she’d love that. It would take all the awkwardness out of her life. But like if they don’t want me then they don’t want me. And I’m not gonna grovel to stay on this festival with these people if this is the way they are gonna be. Ugh maybe they were just busy with Christmas. Fucking holidays! Fucking stupid organization!

Ha so there is my angry blab about that.

But it’s true that I would feel better if I didn’t have to see Jessie around. It’s getting to the point where if I see her name on events as “attending” I’ll just hit interested and not go. I know she doesn’t want to see me. She SAID she likes being part of these organizations with me, but she could just be saying that. I dunno. And this is why you shouldn’t hit on people you work with. I mean none of us really gets paid for this anyway, except for chunks of change here and there.

Ugh I have to stop writing now or I’m gonna get more upset over this. I don’t even know if what I am saying is true, things could be fine.