Crutch Time!

I’m on a programming committee for a film fest here (which is how I met my tragic crush Jessie) and it’s crunch time for watching submissions. I’ve seen almost my whole list (106 films), but I still have SEVEN features to watch, and two mid length videos. And a few shorts. It’s fucking insane! I’m stressed about it. I guess I’m in better shape than Jessie though, she had fifty more to watch but one of the other organizers sent her 40 more tonight. We are meant to watch these by Friday. I admit I was late to the party, and crammed in hours of viewing this long weekend. But I gotta get back to my script, people are waiting. OMFG!

I do want to watch all my shit though.

I’m seeing Jessie tomorrow, for our festival meeting. It will be the first time we’ve seen each other since her cat passed and my foot got broken. I don’t know what she is gonna think of me in an aircast and crutches. Part of me hopes she’ll like me more or something, like how people kind of feel for people when they are injured. EVEN THO I know I am trying to get over her. And succeeding to some degree. But whatever.

I took out my own garbage today, which I had to do in just the aircast and no crutches. It was fucking HARD! I was able to do it, but I could tell my foot was taking more pressure than it is used to. It was kind of sore after. I definitely like going out with crutches better. I can toddle around my house without them. But outside, for long distances, it’s crutch time! I’m taking T3’s everyday and it’s helping too. I don’t take much, but it definitely helps me out.

I had to cancel my date and reschedule. Originally she was feeling sick and wasn’t sure, but then today she messaged me and kind of hoped we could have gone out anyway. But I was glued to my submissions and watching all these films and felt kind of like, it wouldn’t be a good idea. Also a big thunderstorm was happening, so she and I decided to try when I get back next week. Anyway, I kind of feel lame about it, like I’ve been wanting so much to have some romance in my life, and here is someone who wants to see me a second time and it just hasn’t happened yet. We aren’t even facebook friends yet. I’m nervous if I friend her she’ll read my mumblings about the burlesque girl and feel offended that I was curious about other people. EVEN THO we aren’t girlfriends yet, we are just going on dates. Whatever, I’m sure it would be fine. I don’t want her to know yet tho that I know what her fb name is.

Burlesque girl made a weird instagram post that sort of offended me where she made sweeping assumptions about submissive women not being active lovers. I felt hurt, because it says in my OKC profile that I like submission, and I wondered if that was why she wasn’t really giving me a chance. My friends said it probably wasn’t directed at me. But I wasn’t sure. I read her profile again just to check and she had said something about wanting switches, because “pillow princesses bore me.” Like okay yeah, not getting fucked back sucks, and I definitely like fucking women back I don’t just lay there, and the thing I remembered is that it says I am a switch in my dating profile. And she also said something about how she likes bois (as in masculine women type folks) with beautiful eyes and gorgeous bodies with a little extra. Which is me basically, and I even checked off “A Little Extra” in the body type box because I’ve become small fat more recently, I think I had written “Curvy” before. I dunno. SO I mean she could have just been talking about an ex she wasn’t happy with in her slamming of submissives. At the same time, do I really want to date someone who makes a point of how they don’t like submissives? Like that sucks, and I’ve wanted to be able to be submissive with a lover ever since I was like, 18 at least, and I never found someone to do that with.  And I’m trying to be more clear that that is what I am looking to explore with someone.

I dunno, she also said she wasn’t into kink. I mean I really don’t know why I keep nursing this ridiculous crush on this clearly problematic person. At least Jessie seemed to have serious Domme potential. But Burlesque Girl is just cute and stuff and maybe not the most compatible with me anyway. Like not wanting to fuck the ways I like to fuck is an issue. I mean I can be toppy, it’s not like I am always a bottom, I am a switch now. BUT like she doesn’t seem into the more adventurous edgy shit I like. I dunno. She also had a qualifier on her profile where people had to drive, work, and not live with parents or roommates. Like I get the no parents thing, although I kinda think that sucks. But no roommates? Good luck! The funny thing is I DO fit all those qualifiers, I have work, I have a drivers license, I don’t live with anyone but my dogs. I am a switch and I’m a boi with hazel eyes and a little extra. But even though I check off all her boxes, I don’t think she’s gonna give me a chance because of the submissive thing. And I guess I am too kinky.

WHATEVER burlesque girl! You can go choke on a hot dog!

Jessie is really sad still about her cat who passed away recently. I don’t expect anything to change, it’s a hard thing, losing a pet who you love and who has been at your side for so many years. I don’t know how to make it better. I know it sucks when people don’t want you to talk about your grief. At the same time, I know it’s hard on her to talk about it, and I don’t want to keep texting her just to open the wound. I don’t know the best way to act. AND ALSO I mean she has her partner, who she seems to depend on for most of her emotional support, and I am just this weirdo crush she likes having around sometimes. But not in person because that would be too weird. Ugh.

Part of me wants to ditch her. It’s not healthy for me to have this text relationship with someone who doesn’t even want to spend time with me alone. At the same time it’s filling some kind of emotional need and that is hard to let go of. And I see her at meetings anyway, like she’s around, just not alone with me. But I wonder how much of her being present even just in texts is keeping another woman from finding some space for herself in my life and having a real relationship where we actually spend time together. It makes me cry every time I really think hard about it. What feels shitty is how much I feel like I am a better choice for her. BUT that makes me feel like a snot, and also she has clearly already decided no.

I think maybe there is someone else I don’t know yet who is a better choice for me.

I’m frustrated with my script. They keep telling me less dialogue more visuals. It’s made me reconsider television. I used to be so anti-television. But as I write this feature I realize a) I am a better comedy writer, b) I am a better dialogue writer, and c) I would probably do well with a sitcom and not this dramatic feature I am working on. Like don’t get me wrong, I can do it, I am capable of it. But I would be a stellar tv writer/showrunner type person, and this isn’t quite working. It feels ridiculous that I’m gonna make my industry debut with a dramatic thriller and not a comedy. But it needs to be made. Ahhh man.

I also realize juggling all this work is difficult. I’m on a board that is having troubles, and it’s taken a lot of time out of my life already, and I think I need to at least step down from my role into a general board member. I’m on this collective for a film fest and that’s a lot of work, and I LIKE it, but also Jessie is also involved and sometimes I wonder if I need to get out of it to get over her and get her out of my life. And then I am like fuck no I can’t do that I’m the fucking Indigenous person involved, like I’m trying to rep Indigenous people and get some stuff done for my community. But yeahhhhhh it’s difficult.

I think I really just need to keep my head down and keep ploughing through my work like a tired oxen. Soon the programming will be set for our festival, and then it’s just seeing Jessie at the collective meetings and that’s about it. She works too hard to do anything else but her job really, so she probably won’t be around the particular film festivals I go to.