This morning I met some friends for brunch, it was nice, went to a fancy Italian place and had fancy pancakes. One of them gave me a ride back to my neighbourhood and I asked to get dropped off at the nail place. I got a real shellac and manicure back in Melbourne for the first time. And I had never done it before because I always thought you’d have to get those long acrylic nails. BUT NO! They do them short for me cause I ask, and the put these pretty colours on that don’t chip because it’s professionally done. So anyway, I got my nails done with this sweet light blue glittery polish. And then I went home and decided I needed to get a haircut. So I went and waited for my favourite stylist for SO LONG omg she had like, two people in front of me, and takes about an hour each haircut, and she doesn’t take appointments because it’s drop in only. SO I waited and waited. And she finally did my hair and she did a good job. It was really short tho, and I had been looking cute with longer hair so I was a bit disappointed. But some people told me it was cute anyway, so I felt a bit better.
We were going out tonight, and unlike my usual slobby tshirt and jeans thing I do, I actually wore a pink button up with a vest, and I cleaned and polished my boots, and wore my packer and a rose quartz crystal. I haven’t actually dressed up to find a date before, or not since my 20’s anyway. I don’t know what it was about today, I just looked really fucking good and had tried super hard.
Anyway, then I met up with my friends Ricky and Matt to have tacos and then go to the slow dance. And we started playing this game in the taco place cause they had all these cheesy signs around, and we would guess if the sign was the title of a gay film, a lesbian film, or a straight film. The best one was probably Hot Dog Plate which we decided was a gay porn. Also Hot Mess which we decided was some kind of gay bukkake porn. Anyway so ridiculous. We kept pulling out sign names as we walked to the slow dance. My favourite was Burgatory which we decided was Butch lesbian porn. Ricky liked Family Practice which she decided was about two lesbians who were trying to have a baby. And they got to baby sit their brother’s kid to make sure they could handle a baby. Anyway we were thinking of making movie posters out of these or something. National Bank was a straight film ha ha.
Anyway, we went to the slow dance. And I fucking saw the lesbian from Home Hardware! I had thought a long time ago that she flirted with me, and there briefly was a time I tried to flirt back but she seemed uninterested and I doubted if she had really flirted at all. Anyway, Ricky was hassling me to ask her to dance, but she was like GLUED to this other woman and I didn’t want to stir up some kind of local lesbian drama that would keep me from being able to conveniently buy a lightbulb. So I didn’t approach her, I really did think about saying hello to her.
But then I got distracted because this cute tall more masculine/flannel lesbian asked me to dance. And she was being fucking adorable, and just nervous in this sweet earnest way. And she had come to the festival that Jessie and I are a part of and we talked about the films she saw and she told me she liked going to readings and arty things around town. I’m surprised I haven’t run into her before. She is totally NOT my usual type, but for some reason I found her adorable and sweet. She’s not working right now but she has two degrees and is a labour lawyer. SO FUCKING FUNNY since I was just blabbing with people about being like “I need to date a lawyer or something!” Anyway, she saw my film which is cute. I danced with her for two songs, we would kind of drift apart and then meet up again. I asked her to dance for the second song and we had another cute conversation and she got a little bit cocky in this sweet way where she draped her arm over my shoulders and was a bit more intimate and sure of herself. But she was like talking about books and stuff and I don’t know, I really liked her and I was open to it which was really nice. So we swapped phone numbers. She’s got the most normal down to earth name ever. I know I’m gonna forget my diary name for her, but for now I’ll just call her Jane.
She might be really young. I was talking with Ricky about it later when she walked me out because I had to go home at midnight for the dogs. Ricky just kept being like “Nay nay! You can’t talk yourself out of this!” I forget what songs we danced to even. I think one was Lady In Red or something which was funny cause Jane was wearing red flannel. SO GODDAMN LESBIAN!
I’m not wanting to put pressure on this and fuck it up. And honestly I just need to get to know her. In some ways it seems too straightforward after all the bullshit I’ve dealt with, especially with my more recent history with Jessie. Jessie was like, the most complicated bullshit I’ve ever been served, and I kept going back for more. UGH!
I was thinking about her on the subway home though. I had read my horoscope for December and it said in relationships there was something that was still taking up space in my mind because I wasn’t done learning from it. And I really feel that hard about Jessie. She is still on my mind even though I hate it. I don’t think she’s gonna come back to me to try and be my friend though. And I don’t think she’s gonna do anything major to have a real relationship with me. And I also think maybe too much has happened for us to be able to love each other without it hurting anyway. That’s kind of a sad realization. I do really miss her though. She was my pal. Yes I was in love with her, but she also just felt really comfortable and sweet in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s been hard since she pulled back and then picked that fight. I don’t know if it could ever be made right. I feel like she needs to do something for it to feel okay again, and I actually don’t know what that something is, and I don’t think she is ever gonna do it anyway.
I don’t know, if this thing with Jane actually turned into something, I don’t know. I would miss dating a femme, or chasing a femme. There’s a different energy there. On the other hand the idea of being with another woman who is also leaning towards masculinity is kind of curious and I am wondering what is there. I did have another butch lover when I was really young, and we were super good together and it was really hot. I don’t know. Maybe I really need to be surprised by life for a change. Maybe it’s not going to be the steely sexy femme who gets me, maybe it’s gonna be this earnest sweet butch. I don’t know. Maybe it’s time to go for sweetness instead of unavailable sex appeal.