Dead Wallabies on the Road

OMG we drove to the cabin today from Port Campbell and there were SO MANY roadkill wallabies/kangaroos. So sad. We didn’t see any live ones, but apparently they are active in early mornings and later evenings, so they are currently sleeping under trees and bushes somewhere.

We went to a small town grocery store and stocked up on food for ourselves for the next couple of days. We have today and tomorrow and then Monday we drive back to Melbourne and head back to Canada, via the USA. We get into LAX at 6am and we don’t leave until 10pm, so we are thinking of leaving the airport and going to see the Hollywood sign or something. We gotta do something, I don’t want to spend the whole day in an airport.

I’m so tired. Had an awful sleep last night in our motel. No one left a key for us and the reception was closed so we just locked the door behind us but I wondered if someone nefarious would show up. No one did. I also felt sad about Jessie, and thought about all kinds of things, and I didn’t take my night meds until way later in the dark in the early hours. I didn’t know what day of the week it was. It’s Saturday here. I feel like I am fallen out of time.

I had a dream about a baby shower someone was throwing me and they wanted to give me a cabbagepatch doll but make it look pregnant and I thought making a toy baby pregnant was inappropriate. Weird subconscious. Anyway, this is like, possibly the third reproductive related dream I have had in a row.

I’m in this weird position where I need to make some choices soon about my baby. I know my eggs are frozen and I could wait a bit, but my province only covers some assisted reproduction stuff until I am 43, and I turn 41 in April. And I don’t want to be an even older Mom than I could be now. Ugh.

BUT AT THE SAME TIME I really want a partner, and I really want a partner who wants to have a baby with me, and it feels like time is ticking and I feel really shitty because if the Mega Love thing finally happens, things might be really rushed. Like moving in/pregnancy/kids would be on a much shorter timeline than I feel comfortable with. I don’t want to spring this all on someone. On the other hand, I am just getting older, and I need to do something soon.

And then my OTHER worry is that I might need to just do the baby thing on my own. I don’t know. My psychic has seen my partner coming in a little while. But that’s really vague and I don’t want to depend on this psychic timeline that could be wrong. I’m super confused.

I have never lived with a partner in my life because I never had a serious enough relationship where that could happen. And even if I had a serious relationship, it probably would have been a year or two of dating before I thought about living together. Maybe even longer. I don’t know, it’s confusing. I feel like this would be some kind of whirlwind courtship if it happened and I hate rushing this kind of thing. And there is always my hesitations, I have always been hesitant in dating. I don’t know if I could just throw myself into something and tell someone I love them without agonizing for weeks/months about it and talking with all my dubious friends who don’t like anyone I like.

ON THE OTHER HAND my ex roommate C. met her life partner and over like, two or three months they made plans to live together, and traveled for a year in India, and then had two sons who are now like, 17-18 years old or something and they are STILL together. And I remember the beginning of that relationship and it was so fast before they knew they were in love with each other. Like it kind of made my head spin, and I was only a bystander.

I was talking to Ricky the other day about how my psychic said I hadn’t met the person I was going to be with yet, and Ricky was like “Obviously!” and it kind of made me laugh because like yeah of course when this person shows up they are going to want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I don’t know, I am so used to chasing disinterested people and it’s been such an awful pattern to get stuck in.

Anyway, Ricky is sleeping, I should go. This cabin is nice and I don’t want to start crying again and there are things to eat and I want to see if I can spot the water going the opposite way round the drain. There are clear skies here today, and I also need to research how to find the Southern Cross in the sky.

My last Australian goals are to see an echidna and a platypus. I saw a dead echidna in a national park display, but that’s not nice. I like alive animals. We also saw whales today, southern right whales. They didn’t jump out of the water or anything, just bobbed up and down and blew out their blowholes. Around our cabin there are supposed to be platypuses near the river. I do not want to see a snake but Ricky wants to see one. We saw some wild emus also today. I’m so glad Ricky is brave enough to drive in Australia. Whenever she seems to be heading towards the wrong side of the road I start singing “To the left to the left!”

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November 17, 2018

I am really surprised that these dead animals haven’t been picked up.

November 21, 2018

@jaythesmartone Me too! They looked fresh though. But SO MANY! 🙁