Emails Back and Forth

This evening was really nice, got to see a singer who has written a book do a conversation and then a reading and she was amazing and lovely and I felt all kinds of good things. Also I was with my friend Kerri and she made me laugh about stuff and kind of affirmed that the Jessie thing IS weird. And that I must have touched a nerve or something.

I wrote an email to Jessie last night and sent it this morning. And fuck I capitulated so hard to her anger and I felt bad about myself after. Like I honestly still think she overreacted. I still think I was trying to be honourable by checking her boundaries in the original email. And I tried to open a space for us in the first email about the fact we were having an emotional affair (not using that term though) and she didn’t really want to approach that at all. So this email was using the word “friend” very heavily. And really that’s all I want now is a friendship, and maybe really not even that. I thought I wanted some kind of relationship with her, but I’ve realized she hasn’t been good to me for a long time. And she might never be good. She treats me bad even before this. She never checked in with me when I was going through that IVF stuff. She’s left me to do most of this emotional labour, and it’s fucking hard sometimes, and then it’s like she’s just annoyed by me that I keep trying to make our friendship work. I feel like I’m doing all of the work and it’s not fair for me. And I hate her fucking anger. She can’t be a decent human to me.

Anyway, she didn’t respond all day, until after I got home from my night out and she sent this three line email being like “I’m not ready to text yet. I need to sit with this so I can get a clear picture. I will be in touch in the next few days.” Sigh. Still sounds fucking pouty. I mean I don’t know what I was expecting though, she was so angry in her last email, she’s not gonna suddenly change her tune because I tried to be SUPER GENTLE. And really the fact that I had to be super gentle just to get a non-angry response from her about HER SETTING BOUNDARIES is so fucked up.

Maybe part of the reason she is so angry is because she liked when the boundaries were more wibbly. Like she could just get these cute texts from me randomly and sometimes respond and sometimes not and not have to admit that she asked specifically for me to be in touch with her. And now if she sets boundaries that involve us texting still she is gonna have to say “Yes you can send me texts even though I am in a monogamous relationship and you and I both know you were in love with me.” Which is more, ehhhh more clearly stepping over a line set by her other relationship. And also I think for me that emotional bond has been severed. She was pretty intense, and mean, and I don’t know how to trust her now. And I can’t be like “You need to apologize for your childish behaviour” when like, that is not what she is gonna do. She doesn’t have it in her. I don’t even know if she respects me.

Trying to communicate with her is hard. And I wish it wasn’t. She was so much easier to talk to last year, before she got all resentful and mean.

ALTHOUGH on the good side at least she finally set a specific boundary that I had asked for by saying she wasn’t ready to text yet. I can honour that. And I can give her the few days to sit with this. It’s just very frustrating for me that this went so sideways.