Hunkering Down

I’ve got a pizza in the oven right now. I don’t have a lot of energy, and I spent it doing dishes finally. It was the first time I did dishes since before I got hurt a week ago. There were a LOT of dirty dishes. Anyway, I had to do about three shifts of doing the dishes, but they are done now and I don’t have to worry for a while.

Some work related shit went down today that is pretty stressful. I can’t talk about it for confidentiality reasons, but basically suddenly I have even more responsibility, at a time when I was hoping to wrap up my role and start shifting into a less responsible position so someone else can take over. I only promised to do this one role for a short time while the organization figured itself out. Anyway, yeah it’s stressful. And my foot is busted, so I couldn’t go physically be there. And I don’t feel I have the spoons to do this much for an organization I am VOLUNTEERING for anyway. Like omg it’s work but I’m also a volunteer really.

Anyway…

Jessie and I texted this weekend, which made me feel better. She even texted first one day, which was nice and made me feel like way less of a loser. It was a pretty in depth texty conversation. It’s so weird, over a year and we’ve ended up being text friends. Someone was talking about that with me, how millennials will text each other all the time and that’s it, and how they think it’s a relationship BUT IT ISN’T. Anyway, I am not a millennial, I’m Gen X. Jessie and I are only a few years apart, but she is a millennial. Ha ha it’s crazy, like it’s so ridiculous to make sweeping statements about Gen X vs. Millennials, but maybe there is a difference. Anyway, our relationship is just a friendship. But as friendships go, being text friends is kinda weird. I can’t even ask her to hang out anymore. She is so not into it.

Ha ha oh no there is my downward spiral, I’m gonna get all sad if I prod that wound, so I won’t.

I got super depressed last night, stuck home. I mean, SCARY depressed. Like thoughts of harm depressed. It was very upsetting, especially since I haven’t been in that state in a long time. I talked to my ex about it, and she helped me through it. She has been in this very situation with the same broken foot bone. So I felt better after talking to her. She said she and her son would try and visit next week. Which is nice because technically she lives in another city. A close by city, but still.

Anyway, last night I took iron for the first time in DAYS and it made me feel a lot better. I also got 12 hours of sleep, which is a lot, but I needed it. I only got up to pee. It was such a nice rare sleep in. Anyway, when I woke up I felt a lot more chipper, a lot happier. I’m in the same situation, but that sleep and taking my iron just cleared out my sad feels.

I hopefully won’t have a dark moment tonight. It’s 7:28 and I’m feeling alright. Waiting for my pizza to cool. I know people are always like “Reach out anytime if you are in danger I’m here to help blab blab blab mental health is important” but really only a couple people responded to me in a meaningful way when I was like “I’m depressed!” And it’s not like I was messaging strangers, I was messaging friends I talk to and see. And I guess it’s my fault, because when I was like “I’m depressed!” I really meant “I’m suicidal right now and scaring myself!” but people don’t want to see that or will call the cops who’d probably come shoot my dog or something.

I am not suicidal right now. I am hoping that feeling goes away for a while. Some Indigenous people think there’s a spirit that feeds off suicides. Like the feelings and the acts. I don’t know if I believe that or not, but it’s a really good metaphor for the kind of dark bleak energy that takes over when you are suicidal.

Anyway, being in a ward with a broken foot too sounded like the absolute worst situation. And it’s over now, and I’m hoping I can keep it away.

I went out to the courtyard today, and it felt good, being out in the sun outside. I need to do that more often.

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July 29, 2018

i like pizza

July 30, 2018

I believe if you were to go out in the courtyard every day (if you are able to) and take in some sun it will help with your depression and sadness.  I bet you are usually very active so not being able to be active has got to be hard.  Good for you getting all of those dishes done!  You will be so glad that you did them come tomorrow morning.