If I Could Turn Back Time

I’m listening to Cher.

I didn’t get the government org gig because I’m away for a few hours of this one weekend that they are doing a lab for it. So that is kind of shitty. I mean they might do it again in a year, but it sucks it won’t happen right now. I wish they had been more flexible. And then part of me is like “Just wait until they hear about my Big News! Then they’ll be sorry!”

But probably not.

I’m going to a movie alone tonight. It’s this old German film with this actress I have a crush on and it’s so niche I kind of knew no one would want to come with me. It’s got sex appeal but is also about municipal politics so like, not really high on people’s must see lists. But I’m excited to go alone. I’m actually glad no one is coming with me, because honestly I just like seeing this actress be a showgirl/sex worker and speak in German, and I don’t want some friend to be all “That sucked!” afterwards or try to take it apart or something. I like going to films alone. I used to do it a lot more in my teens and 20’s. Then people started telling me it was sad to see films alone. But now I’ve realized trying to get my schedule/energy/interests to line up with a friend to go see a film are not great ways of keeping up with things I love. Especially niche films that are like, not popular.

Anyway yah I’m excited about that.

I ordered some sexy/gender gear stuff today. I’ve remembered how much I like wearing a packer (a fake dick) and mine is old and linty and was always disproportionate in size anyway and made me feel dumb. I still ended up putting it back in my pants today. BUT I ordered a new one, which looks cuter, and more realistic anyway. This one feels nice being squeezed in my pants, but aesthetically is pretty sad, especially with the lint. ALSO I saw this harness which looked too damn good to pass up. It’s getting ridiculous though, I’m gonna have 4 harnesses by the time it arrives, for an assortment of body types. I have two from when I was bigger, and one from my smaller days. I dunno I guess I’ll be prepared?

I also got a bondage kit with velcro restraints which I hadn’t even really been looking for, BUT a long time ago I realized I wanted to try bondage which had been a major trigger from my psych ward days. I was in 4 point restraints in the hospital and it’s the most horrifying experience really. SO I was always like “Never gonna get tied up!” BUT over time I’ve been curious. I guess part of that was wanting to be more open for potential lovers. But then it became about me and what I wanted. And I was talking with my friend Amy about accommodations to do bondage in case I freaked out and had to get free quick, and she suggested velcro. So I was really happy and surprised to see this bondage set with velcro restraints. Anyway, it wasn’t very much, so I got it. Plus part of it goes under the bed, so I don’t need like a bed frame with head and footboards and stuff, which is nice.

Ha ha kink talk.

Anyway, I’m trying to dissolve my old fantasies about Jessie that sort of drift in and out of my mind. I’m just feeling they aren’t beneficial to me, they keep me back thinking about being with her instead of opening a space for someone new in my life. And I don’t want to push away anyone because I’m stuck on someone who doesn’t love me. And that’s really it, she doesn’t love me, no matter what she does or how she acts. And I just feel like it’s best to move on. I’m fairly certain she wants me to move on too.

I got off OKC and wasn’t gonna date. But then I found HER and got a profile there. So far I haven’t been impressed. I think it’s even worse than Tinder except there are women there. BUT there’s still straight couples looking for a third who go on there which fucking sucks fuck off.  I don’t know why I am doing this to myself. I liked a whole bunch of women. But I know I look “alternative” (jeez do they still use that word?) and kind of punk and like, maybe not the most approachable. And I know it makes people make snap judgements. But at the same time those aren’t my people anyway.

I did work today, sending emails and things to people. All that stuff.

I’ve been working on a grant, I didn’t work on it today but I did yesterday. I have 12 days left to finish it. I think it’s fairly comprehensively described in my grant. I need to do the budget and I could ask for up to $100,000. Which is a lot of money and I have no idea what to do with that much cash. But honestly it will probably be more like 60,000 or something. WHICH IS STILL A LOT! I dunno. Maybe I should ask for money to rent a studio for a change. I always do all my work at home, but I only use my computer for it, and this needs a physical space for a table and stuff. So maybe I need more.

I’m always feeling like my emails are not caught up. I have a nagging fear something has been overlooked.

Anyway yeah that’s whats up today. Not exciting really. I feel silly buying sex toys I need to use with another person because it really has been SO LONG since I was with someone. I know it’s good to be prepared. But part of me feels like “Here goes another harness into the box never to be used.” Depressing. I am bored of being single. I know they say you find someone when you stop looking. But I think that’s just something people say so they don’t have to hear you whine about being alone.

At least I have my dogs. They make me happy. Not completely alone.