Imposter Syndrome

I’ve been making work for so long and trying to get to the level I am finally achieving in my practice, as a filmmaker, and I’m still totally waiting for someone to rip it all away and be like “YOU CAN’T DO ALL THIS STUFF! You’re incompetent and we are taking your opportunities away and giving them to another BETTER filmmaker!” Anyway yeah, I was nervous. I had a meeting with a friend from Telefilm who was talking to me in his official capacity. And I was a bit nervous that he’d be like “Your script makes no sense and we aren’t gonna fund it for sure!” or “It’s so badly written!” or something. BUT NO he was really interested and had some good advice and gave me a better idea of what the process would look like to get it production funding and things I needed to think about for the jury. And it was a relief really. And as he told me things about the script and what he noticed and stuff I was like “Hmm actually it does sound like a good script I can’t believe I really thought of all of that.”

I came home and emailed my exec. producer to get my cheque and notes on the script and she said I could come by tomorrow morning and thought our two rounds of development were very productive. She wanted to know what my other producer and I’s plans were for it, so we are having a lunch meeting in a few weeks about it. I’m thinking I might have to do some writing on my own, without funding. BUT I feel like yeahhhh maybe it’s closer? Like maybe actually next year we can try to get production funds for it. That would be amazing.

I sent a couple emails to my editor and other producer on the doc I am working on. They haven’t got back to me. I’m hoping that is still okay, I’m gonna sit in with the editor and make another cut with her.

I just have so much imposter syndrome sometimes. I know I am capable of all these things but sometimes my brain just tries to shut me down and act like I am a fraud.

Robin really used that to her advantage when she flipped the fuck out on me in the spring, saying I was a bad filmmaker and couldn’t tell a story. God what an awful friend. It was like, woah, so over the line. Like there is no coming back from that.

In some ways this stuff with Jessie feels like it’s edging towards being too over the line. I think she has handled this really badly. And I can’t fix it because I can’t make her see that.

Anyway, I have a date next Tuesday, she’s cute. She finally sent me a pic of herself. She has really short hair! OMG! Ha ha I’m not used to dating short haired ladies. But yeah she’s cute and has been respectful and sexy in all her communications with me. We’ll see. I’m really just trying to be open to new people.

I feel like Jessie has really slammed the door on me thinking of her in a romantic sense. Which is good really, just sad. Our communication styles are too different. Really what we needed was to sit down together and talk in person about what was going on, but she was never going to give me that.