I’ve Had Enough, It’s Obvious

Soooo I had kind of a better day but also was pretty distressed most of today. And my dogs are still at the sitter so I can’t see them yet. I miss them. One of my friends, M. had flipped out about my repost the other day that I was talking about and wrote a long ranty status slamming me without using my name. And I didn’t know what to do, but this is like, the ongoing problem with her, like this was pretty bad, but also the way she has been behaving in private messages when she ignores what I am going through and talks about herself made me really frustrated. So tonight I finally put her on restricted profile, and next time I see her posts I’m going to snooze them for 30 days. She might just unfriend me altogether, which I wouldn’t mind really.

Also tonight while I was out with my other friend who knows about the Jessie situation, I finally got the nerve to delete Jessie’s contact information. Her text history with me is still there, and the two random texts I had sent her that she left hanging. But it’s at least a step in the right direction of not texting her first, or maybe at all. She doesn’t text first barely ever. I think she will just leave me alone, to be honest. Which is good. I can’t keep trying to love her or be her friend. She can’t keep toying with me either. And obviously she’s got some kind of issue with even being in touch with me.

I mean it’s true that even if she DID want to suddenly be with me and left her partner and tried to do the serious thing with me, it’s wayyyyyyy too late. She’s treated me badly for so long, I can’t even imagine a real relationship with her where she would have any kind of respect for me. She certainly doesn’t right now. I mean sure she is nice to me in person, but the mind games, the flirts that don’t mean anything, sharing these meaningful glances yet letting me feel like a stupid loser when I text her and she ignores me, it’s awful, and it just isn’t any kind of a good foundation for a real positive long term relationship. She would be a horrid girlfriend, and I would probably just keep on crying everyday even if she sometimes told me she loved me. It’s not right, and I deserve better, and she should stay with her whatever partner. She’s chosen that path. And she’s rejected me even at times I didn’t ask to see her. It’s humiliating and it’s bullshit.

So it’s a step in the right direction. I’ll probably still see her at events. But it’s one step and it’s going to get her eventually out of my text history, and I will probably eventually not have to talk about this.

My “date” I am supposed to go on friended me on Facebook today. I feel like sending her a message and being like “Sorry you had to friend me on a bad mental health day!” Ugh.

I don’t know. I know I don’t want to be single forever. But honestly, right now I don’t want to deal with another person’s shit. I’m tired of love and romance being so damned painful.