Meh

Ha ha I swear I probably already titled a post Meh. Anyway……

Jessie did get back to me eventually, and it was majorly awkward, and she was kind of pissed at thinking I insinuated she had feelings for me. And remember this email I had sent was about how confused I was by her mixed messages. And I dialed it back and was like well I really don’t know what is going on. And anyway then she told me about her anxiety and also about her boundaries and all these things she thought I was doing too much of. Which was like, fine yeah that’s what I wanted to know. BUT ALSO why hadn’t she told me before? I felt kind of lame-o, that she thought I was texting too much but didn’t just tell me earlier to text less or something. I mean it’s fine, it’s good we have a boundary which is what I was asking for.

But something about our emails, I don’t know, it seemed to be her placing the blame for our emotional affair squarely on my shoulders. Like she hadn’t sent texts too and also gotten close and also built up this intimacy. I feel like I’m left holding all the responsibility for this situation that in my mind was a shared thing. It doesn’t feel very fair. And I’m kind of irked by it. I guess that is how she is going to feel okay about all of this, if she can just blame me and move on with her life and her partner. If I was a vengeful person I could keep sending her emails about how she’s not being accountable for her role in this. BUT I am not that kind of person and I am just letting it go.

Then we had work emails today, and she sent some to the group email threads and I sent some. And then later I had managed to get a decent amount of funding for a program we are doing at our festival and the employee sent out a group email about it, but I noticed she left Jessie out of the loop. And I was like, that’s kind of weird. It made me paranoid that Jessie has told everyone to keep stuff about me separate from her. It could just be that the employee forgot to loop Jessie in. I don’t know. Also I admit part of me wanted Jessie to see that I had been helpful today. It’s stupid.

I got sick this week, like super sick. Like laying in bed all day sick. And I had to do a performance yesterday, so I was resting and resting and never did go to that meeting Jessie was at. Jessie said she was working so she wouldn’t be at the meeting in person she was skyping in. And I didn’t really care anymore because I was so sick.

I did manage to have enough energy to do my tech check and my performance yesterday. Zoe was at the performance just before mine, and I got to talk to her while I was super sick and sniffly. She was so cute dammit dammit dammit. I found out how old she is, she’s 31. Like NINE YEARS younger than me. That seems a bit much. I mean 31-40 isn’t a BIG deal like say, 19-28 which is an age difference I was in when I was 19. BUT YEAH it’s like, I am probably too old for her. I go to bed so early. Anyway…

I’ve decided to just let Jessie go do her Jessie thing somewhere else. I’m disappointed that after all of this she like, gaslighted me kind of. Like she made our friendship sound so different than how it felt. I don’t know. I’m going to be the bigger person though and shrug it off. I don’t want to spend much more time analyzing her. And I am glad that it’s over, and that even though I tried to open up a space to talk about this and she didn’t really respond in a good way, at least it showed me things about her character that I hadn’t previously grasped. In the past she was good about talking about this kind of stuff, I guess I was surprised to see she isn’t like that. It’s very frustrating. BUT also yeah it taught me about who she is as a person and there are things in this situation that don’t sit right with me, and make me recognize she would make a terrible partner. For me anyway. Our communication styles are different, and she keeps blaming things on her anxiety, and I have a mood disorder that I live with and I don’t use it as an excuse every time I have an interpersonal problem. Like I try to own up to my shit. So yeahhhhh I think we will live very separate lives from now on.

She said one of the things she wanted was for her to be the one to initiate contact. So I’m leaving it in her court. I kind of don’t think she is going to contact me though. I think she’s just put an end to anything but work emails. Which is fine by me.