Okay so maybe I shouldn’t be a jerk….

So I was kind of bummed about the Jessie thing, obviously since I talk about it too much. But I was scrolling down Instagram and found out she’s been sick all weekend. So now I’m like OKAY maybe I don’t need to be a jerk and jump to conclusions. Maybe she just felt too shitty to respond. Maybe I need to chill out. Maybe I need to just step back and stop making up stories in my head about what Jessie thinks of me. Maybe Jessie really does just need time away to do her thing and get over her cold and maybe I just should stop worrying. I mean it’s true that I didn’t even know what I wanted from her by emailing her. Like yes I wish I could be her partner but that’s not possible right now. And I also want to be her friend but maybe we can’t do that right now either for our own individual reasons. And maybe I should just concentrate on my own life for a while and stop worrying about Jessie and dating and finding a partner and co-parent for these future children. Like there ARE interesting things I am doing.

Anyway, we had band practice today for the first time in months. One of our band members couldn’t come, damnit I forget what my diary name for him was. Mark I think? I don’t even remember. He is going to hopefully be my sperm donor though, we just need more cash and so on, or rather I need to contact my fertility clinic and see how much it would cost to freeze his sperm. COMPLICATED! That’s not really the point I was trying to make tho.

So L. and I did band practice on our own and we learned Ring of Fire which is only three chords but FUCKING COMPLEX and I think I only got two lines down. My strum pattern sucks, I need to work on it. We tried to learn a Loretta Lynn song or a Patsy Cline song but they all seemed mean or too difficult. I sent Mark one of the songs we were thinking of which was “You’re the reason our kids are ugly” but now I’m worried I hurt his feelings. Really I just thought it was such a funny song. AW. I should have sent him something else. We looked up Jolene though and there was a youtuber who made a really simple tutorial for it and we had it down pretty quick. We looked up some of her other youtube videos because they weren’t all ukulele tutorials. There was like, a ukulele version of Because I got High, and there was some bizarre video where she spanks her friend with an electric fly swatter. Like just weird shit. Ha ha anyway. Youtube is some bizarre rabbit hole and I’ve gotten into it more since I got my smart tv because I watch things on it more than regular cable. I have some kind of mixtape playlist made of songs I’ve listened to, but it just seems to be Tori Amos, Florence and the Machine, Grimes, Janelle Monae, and “What’s Going On” by Four Non Blondes. AND THAT’S IT! So I have had to look for other playlists. Right now I keep watching the youtube channel of this covert narcissist.

I went to the store after she left to get some prescriptions I need to go home tomorrow. HOME. Home is a lie. This is home, where I am right now is home, where I am going is my Mom’s home. It doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Even some of the streets I used to hang out on don’t look the same now. Sometimes I wish the places I used to live would stay the same as they are in my memory, but they don’t, people keep developing them, trees grow or get cut down, businesses shut or open. You know, stuff like that. The main drug people used in my hometown was weed and alcohol, and now it’s meth and alcohol which gives the place a way sketchier vibe. And it was always kind of sketchballz.

I wish I knew what I wanted. I mean I DO. I’ve just been lying to myself my whole life. I mean about relationships. I’ve always wanted a long term relationship that leads to children and living together and spending years and years until one of us dies of old age and then we both eventually get buried together side by side. Like a good relationship though with mutual support and where it’s got amazing chemistry and we have great sex but are also really compatible and monogamous and happy together and supporting each other’s dreams… And instead of being straight up like “This is what I am looking for” I end up feeling kind of ashamed of wanting that cause it isn’t cool and everyone is polyamorous and no one is taking each other and least of all me seriously. And I’d be like “Okay I will take what I can get” and feeling deeply unhappy getting crumbs and leftovers while they treat other partners more seriously. And definitely NEVER getting to the point of living with a partner, and for sure not getting to the point where I can be honest about wanting a family. And not even really getting to a point where I can be straight up that I want monogamy. It sucks but I hung out with so many queer women who acted like monogamy was for chumps. And treated their lovers pretty shitty to be honest with you.

And I am starting to wonder if I have finally made a shift and realized I don’t want crumbs anymore. Like I sometimes wonder if I had been different or approached this differently if Jessie would have had an affair with me and had furtive casual sex in her office or something. Like was it because I said I loved her and eventually told her about my plans to have a family that made her realize she couldn’t do anything half way with me? Like it really is all or nothing now. I know even if Jessie came to me and was like “Ok we can have hot amazing sex but I’m still going home to my partner every night” I just couldn’t do that. And years ago I would have told myself it was okay it was cool we don’t own each other I will take it cause I want her so much. Even though it would still make me sad and tormented.

I guess I am growing and changing then. It’s good I have come to this point, even though it makes me feel lonely sometimes. Like I do wonder when someone is going to come along who I can have a real relationship with. But I don’t want to just take anything and anyone either. Because it doesn’t make me happy. I want the right woman in my life. And I don’t know who that is. I don’t even know if Jessie could do that now after all that has happened, like if her partner dumped her or they broke up and suddenly she showed up at my door with roses and made up super cute with hopeful eyes. OKAY actually that sounds nice. But so dubious.

I’m glad we had band practice today, I like learning music. After L. left I played with the dogs and then checked all my old lottery tickets and won four free plays and 22 bucks. I’m looking forward to going to the casino when I go back to Mom’s place. It’s the only casino I will let myself play slots in because I only go there a couple times a year.