I didn’t mean to make so many plans for my life when I return to Toronto. But already I have sent a message to a martial arts teacher who teaches a particular Indigenous martial arts from my tribe and I want to see if I can take his classes. I signed up for those ASL classes. I almost signed myself up for a Zipcar membership so I could rent a car for a few hours whenever I want but then I realized I wasn’t ready yet to drive in Toronto. I ordered more clothes. I googled looking for a sweatlodge ceremony I could go to because I know there are some in Toronto but I don’t know where or when. Anyway I still don’t know. I looked up how to renew my library card so I can take out books when I’m poor.
I finished reading The Marrow Thieves this morning and like cried. And not just like a tear going down my cheek, I mean like heaving sobs that I was trying to hide from my Mom omg! IT WAS SUCH A GOOD BOOK! It’s the fourth book I’ve read since I came to my Mom’s for holidays. I am gonna go to a bookstore tomorrow and try to find another one.
I had a good new years eve. I went to my friends and watched her set up a charcuterie board, and then we played cribbage while we waited for our other friends to show. I lost so she made me eat beanboozled jelly bellies in soap, dog food, and toothpaste flavours. I had to spit out the dog food one tho, it was too gross. The cute femme priest and her wife showed up. She told us about the first time she presided over an open casket funeral and discovered she was wearing the same dress as the corpse. It made me laugh so fucking hard that I asked if I could put that scene in a film someday and she said yes. One time a casket was too cheap and the body fell out the bottom while they carried it. She also said they don’t call them exorcisms anymore, they call them blessings, but if she comes across a demon she has to tell her boss the bishop. SO INTERESTING! I literally have Anglican priests in my family but they never told me stories like this, although I know they must have them.
Then some other friends came and the cute femme priest and her wife left. And the remaining people and I played a game of Cards Against Humanity. I have a boxed set of the game at home but never got to play it yet, so this was actually my first time. I thought I picked some good cards but they always turned out to be like, second best, so I didn’t get that many winning cards. Oh well. Then I went home because I hoped to spend time with my Mum up to midnight. But she was already in bed, watching Netflix. I still got to tell her some of Cute Femme Priests funny stories though.
Today was mostly boring except for finishing that good book. Mom is getting a new kitchen so she made me take everything out of the cupboards with her. So much stuff, weird old expired food, kitchen gadgets she never uses. For some reason she has like, seven fucking pie plates, and she doesn’t even make pies. So hopefully she has a garage sale this summer. My old boy dog was causing trouble tonight and went outside, and it’s very wintry here and I realized he was out for half an hour and freaked out worried he was a pupsicle or his paws were frozen to the ground in the backyard or something. But really he was just eating trash. Then he started causing trouble in the house and broke a nice piece of artisanal pottery that my Mom was gonna give to her friend. He’s honestly the sweetest most well behaved dog so I have no idea what got into him to make him cause so much mischief. I love him to bits though, he’s at the foot of the bed sleeping now with the girl dog.
I did laundry, and looked up a bunch of stuff about ridiculous things like “What happens when you start dressing better?” and “How do straight teeth improve your love life?” It’s ridiculous. I mean obviously people treat you better, I didn’t really need to read articles saying what I already know. I guess I just want to KNOW what my life will be like when these dressier crisp shirts and pants come in the mail, and when my Invisalign treatment is over.
It’s going really well, the Invisalign. I put tray number 9 in last night and it was pretty tight but also I really REALLY notice that it’s working. I’m not even embarrassed of my teeth anymore it’s changed that much. I used to have a terrible overbite, and now it’s like, getting really straight. I can put my lips over my teeth so much easier. And before when I smiled it got all toothy really easily, but now I have to really exaggerate to get a big toothy grin. I actually have to learn to smile again I think. I was so self conscious before, and now that it’s changed I don’t know the best way to make myself look good when I smile. It’s weird. Good and weird.
I don’t know when I will see Jessie this year, at our next festival meeting I assume. Unless she comes up with an excuse to avoid it. There’s another festival I usually go to that I know she will be at at the end of the month. But I am out of town for the first two nights and I don’t know if I will have the energy or care to go to the last night. It might be best to stay away. I hate that she fakes being my friend when we are in public. I don’t even know how to behave with her. It’s so weird.
I actually have no real crushes right now. Cute Femme Priest is cute but WAY TOO unavailable to even entertain the idea of a crush. And Jessie is a huge disappointment. And I don’t really know anyone else that I’m attracted to right now. It’s kind of a relief to not have any crushes. I’ve nursed them for so long, and I usually get anxious not having someone to focus on. But it’s okay. I like not feeling emotionally drawn to anyone right now. I feel like maybe keeping this space open in my heart for someone new is a good thing. And not trying really hard to fill that space tho, just like, finding someone naturally who sweeps me off my feet.
I guess that’s all I really want right now, to improve my wardrobe and body and continue seeking out different interests. Like I didn’t knit today, but I love knitting and I’m happy to be learning to read a pattern and make things that aren’t squares. I like boxing and I’m happy to finally go back to class when I go home. And ASL classes are nice and stretch my brain and body to work in a different way. I’m worried I have forgotten all the signs. And even though Jessie is there, I like the festival I am involved with and the people there. And hopefully this martial arts class will let me meet some more people.
I am so itching for my cute clothes to arrive. I just want to be looking deadly good when I finally run into fucking Jessie so I can rub it in her face. Ha ha rub what? I dunno. Just that I’d be looking better. And I guess my big news could be public by the time I see her next. I have that childish feeling of “And then you’ll be sorry for how you treated me!” even tho she probably isn’t sorry. And never will be. I dunno, it’s so dumb. She’s not even the person that it matters to be impressing anymore. Some unknown future person who crosses paths with me and becomes my partner is the one to impress. And I don’t even know who that is or when I will meet her.