Packing

So Jessie finally emailed. It wasn’t that she was avoiding me by not emailing, she just wasn’t checking it over the weekend. She said she still wasn’t ready for private messages, which is fair. But she genuinely does want to see me at meetings and community events and catch up and check in with me at those times. And she didn’t feel bad that I was so guarded, she thought it was reasonable. And she didn’t feel bad that I didn’t email her back after her big long last email because she felt it was respecting her boundaries by letting it sit. And then she thanked me for checking in. So I guess that was all nice. She wasn’t defensive or angry about my latest email which was good. I’m just gonna leave it now. If she does want to be more involved with me she will be. I mean it really should be all up to her anyway since she has a partner. And I know it was getting really close between us when we were private messaging more. And ultimately I know she is trying to protect her relationship and her partner and that is admirable however frustrated I feel. AND I should really try and keep a space open in my life for someone who can actually give me what I want.

She said she was okay with me commenting on her social media from time to time, which makes me feel better. I liked having that connection. I’m going to try and make a point not to overcomment though. Because it overwhelms her and makes me look like a dork. And I hate that.

Today I packed. The dogs and I have a flight tonight. I am checked in. I think I have everything I need for my trip. Packed my clothes, presents, vibrators, ukulele, knitting, a couple books, passport in case something magical happens and Mom and I run away to Hawaii or something. I have to bring some dog sweaters, leashes. Maybe a can of dog food. Hat scarf coat. I mean it’s cold here now anyway, so it won’t be a big shock when I land in Hometown. I have to take out garbage and dump some perishable food. I watered my plants, they are succulents and generally don’t need a lot of water, so I am just gonna take the risk that they will be okay without water for a month. The cactuses for sure should be good because they aren’t even supposed to get water in the winter. I think. Who knows! My friend Kerri has a key in case I get worried and decide they all need water.

Jessie said neither of us were happy with how things turned out in our friendship. It’s true. I’m still really sad that she reacted so angrily back in August to my email about boundaries. But I mean she was gonna react her own way and that was what she decided to do. I guess it was a defence maneuver, I’m sad it went that way. Maybe it was bound to happen. Maybe it was good she at least had the space to push me away instead of feeling weird and like she couldn’t say anything. It did hurt me though. But it was her boundary and in a way that was what I was asking about.

I don’t want to email her again for a long time though, just because I don’t want to push on her boundaries more. It would be nice to catch up in person. We have a meeting for the festival coming up this week or next, but I am out of town so I will only be skyping in. She can’t make it anyway. Maybe we will see each other in January.

I was telling L. yesterday about how Jessie didn’t bring her partner to the festival this year, and how I thought that was weird. They came for part of it last year. They were volunteering last year. I don’t know if she didn’t want to bring her partner because of me or other reasons. And if she was trying not to hurt her partner by letting them see us interacting, or not hurting me by letting me see her and her partner together. It’s confusing. I know part of me is like “Ugh I wish she had brought her partner so I would get over her easier.” But also part of me is relieved that she wasn’t pushing it in my face. At the same time it’s weird that she’s hiding her SIGNIFICANT relationship from me during this festival that is a big deal in both of our lives. Like how does her partner feel when Jessie tells them they can’t come? Very weird.

ANYWAY WHATEVER. My big suitcase is packed. Just need to get my camera in my carry on. I’ve got about four hours before I need to be at the airport. I could go eat something. I found out I can order a kangaroo burger here. I didn’t know that, I would have a long time ago if I had known instead of waiting to go to Australia. I have to get dog supplies in my carry on too.

I’m glad Jessie emailed me before my big news gets out there. I’m glad she cares enough about me that she wants things to be okay even with these boundaries more clearly defined. I’m glad it’s not like, her snooping around when things get fancier ha ha. Like right now I am just me and she is just her and we still want to be okay with each other even if we can’t be close like before.