Panic At the Diary

Ugh so anyway, I have a habit of re-reading my diary sometimes. Like my private secret one. I was re-reading it yesterday and I got to this part about Jessie, and I dunno. Something about it made me start having a panic attack. I was actually worried I was having a heart attack it was so bad. And I hate being like “Jessie makes me have panic attacks” but it was so clearly related to what I was reading about current events between us. And I was going to see Zoe shortly after that and I needed to sit and wait until I calmed down and I was worried I wouldn’t calm down and I was shaking and I was like “Oh fuck now I’m gonna die!” It scares me. Jessie and I have a meeting on Tuesday with the rest of our org about our festival stuff and I’m now terrified I am gonna have a panic attack. Oh fuck. And like, I know they would want it to be a safe place for me, and probably would be really nice. And I’d be fucking mortified because this would be like such an obvious symptom of my mental illnesses and the first time I’d be obviously suffering besides my social anxiety making me so quiet. And I’m terrified Jessie would like roll her eyes and be so annoyed that I’d be hyperventilating and sweating in the corner all dizzy and light headed because ANXIETY IS HER THING!

I was asking Mom what I should do if I have a panic attack at the meeting and she was like “Just get up and leave!” but fuck I know in that kind of state I can’t leave. I’d really just need to ride it out. But if Jessie was giving me weird looks while I was dealing with that situation it would just break my heart. And worse, if she started being caring towards me while I was in that situation I think my heart would break too because it would remind me of the times she hadn’t been caring and how this would only be for this one situation and maybe I would start crying if she suddenly was nice.

It’s a matter of days until I see her. Like, three days. I’m terrified. I want to have a good working relationship with her and I’m worried she isn’t gonna get back to me about these emails until way later or never. And if she doesn’t get back to me it’s gonna be fucking weird and I won’t know how to treat her. I mean I would be nice but she might be shitty to me.

This has been so confusing. I put in the first email how I held back from her because I didn’t want her to feel weird. But then when I saw her outside of work stuff and she hugged me she seemed to want to keep hugging me and she felt open to me and then I felt shitty for holding back. Ugh. This is so messed up because we have our work relationship and our personal “friendship” and obviously this friendship was complicated by feelings. And I’m just so sad at the way things have turned out and how defensive she was and not knowing if anything will be okay again. And I have two dates next week and a hang out with a cutie so I should be happy and feel like I am moving on, but I don’t quite feel that way yet. I feel like there is unfinished business between Jessie and I and it makes me sad because I’m worried she’s just going to leave it unknown. OR lash out at me again in a bigger way. I don’t know if I could handle her being mean to me again and saying this whole thing was just about me, when so obviously I was asking about her and what she was comfortable with.

Sometimes love fucking sucks.

I’m glad I have dates with new people, it’s good for me to meet people. But part of me is still sad about Jessie, about the chemistry we had that she couldn’t admit, and even just our friendship that she wouldn’t sustain because she was scared of being alone with me. I feel sad she didn’t feel okay being alone with me. And I feel confused that she would keep texting me so much for over a year when she was afraid of being alone with me. I feel like there’s a million questions I wish I could ask Jessie, and a million ways she could keep from giving me the answers right now.

I dunno. I guess I just want to know I won’t have a panic attack when I see her.