Pie and Plans and Regular Old Thoughts

I went for brunch with some friends this morning. I made them crepes, they were super impressed which was cute. I was all “omg it’s so easy to make tho!” but they were still like “OMG CREPES” ha ha. It’s funny cause I learned how to make them when I was way younger and wanting to impress a girlfriend someday. And the only two girlfriends I ever got to make them for were like, Rayanne from ages ago, and AD when I was in my early 20s. So like I guess it’s nice to have practice impressing people with this ridiculously easy thing.

I spent the afternoon doing laundry and washing the floor and changing my sheets. I have a clean bed! Finally!

I made a boring dinner and then texted the cutie from last night. She didn’t respond for a while, but then she called around nine by the time I gave up and was working on making a pie. And literally I saw her name come up and was rolling out pastry and didn’t want to answer in the middle of that. But then by the time I got my pie in the oven she texted me and we sort of made tentative plans to have tea on Tuesday. I asked people on facebook for a better first date activity than having coffee, and I guess it ended up being the same thing but a different beverage. I asked her to play a board game tho, I dunno! We’ll see. She seems busy, but I’m glad she is making time for me.

I don’t want to say I had a personal breakthrough on the Jessie stuff, but I can say that I’ve seen it from a different angle a little bit. I was talking with my cousin Dee about it and feeling sad that things I love about myself like gentleness and kindness and checking in became this awful thing for Jessie and how upset and almost contemptuous she got of those things. And then Dee was like “Ugh unfriend her and block her” but I am not ready to do that and then when I expressed that to Dee she got mad at me. I just don’t feel like I want to slam the door shut. And we dropped the subject. But I was trying to figure out why I feel that I want to keep this thread between us.

And I realized Jessie is not angry at me. She was friendly at the festival, even though it was supremely awkward between us. She was tender when she gave me a hug goodbye the last time like I mean something to her on some level. She still doesn’t like or comment on any of my stuff. And I dunno, maybe she never will. I know it looks super OBVIOUS that something happened between us though because we have mutual friends in the collective who have seen us being friendly with each other online for a year. But anyway, she did accept my follow request on Instagram from my ridiculous joke Instagram for my dog. And she followed back. And I know she knows it’s MY dog. And that kind of indicated that she wants some connection, besides the fact that both of us have still followed each other on Instagram and are both still Facebook friends. And I did have her on restricted profile for not even 24 hours, but I took it off. She can see anything she wants. She hasn’t texted. But that’s okay.

I don’t know if I should like or comment on any of her stuff. I feel like because she hasn’t liked or commented on any of mine, it would be unwelcome. But then I do know she still wants some connection between us. Even if we aren’t interacting. She was avoiding facebook for so long, and she knows I am on there all the time. And she’s gradually stepped up her posts on there, and increased her activity there, and not even just promotional posts for the various work things she is involved with. A little bit more personal stuff, not a lot. But more than before. She posts a little bit more personal stuff on her Instagram too. It makes me want to reach out sometimes because sometimes it’s about intense stuff, but I don’t know that I should reach out. It’s a little bit hard. I know she’s doing her hardcore love thing with her partner she lives with and she has decided she can’t do that and actually have a real friendship with me. But at the same time she hasn’t completely shut me out, I’m not on her restricted list or anything. It’s like, so weird. Sometimes I feel almost like she posts things so I know what is going on with her. It sounds kind of creepy maybe. But things I used to talk to her about, she seems to be reaching out a little bit more publicly around. I dunno. Sometimes I almost wonder if she is trying to prompt me to message her. And I can’t she doesn’t want texts.

But at the same time when she wrote her last email I didn’t even respond. Because I didn’t know what to say. But in some ways it’s unfair of me. Now she really doesn’t know where I stand in terms of wanting or not wanting to be her “friend.” Except that we hugged at the festival when I said goodbye and I know there were a lot of feelings going on, I couldn’t call it passionate love but at least some kind of caring for each other. Man.

Life’s fucked.

I still feel like she over reacted. And I feel shitty saying that. But she does have anxiety, and the way she responded to my initial email checking on her boundaries was like she thought I was rejecting her friendship or something. I don’t know. I hate that I am still thinking about this but she’s in my inner circle and I need to come to some kind of peace about what happened. She posted some song title on her Instagram today that has a line in it about not making friends easily because of anxiety around judgement. And I know it sounds corny but sometimes I wonder if she is posting things like that to hint at stuff. Her anxiety really does mess things up.

UGH I need to put these thoughts away for the night.

My pie is out of the oven. I wish I could feed some cute girl pie, but it looks like it’s just gonna be me eating it. Which is fine.

I’m not losing weight but I seem to be losing fat. My hairdresser said she could see my weight loss from the back of my head, which is interesting because I’ve seen it leaving my head and neck. I don’t know if I am getting more muscle or what. I feel really weak since I stopped going to boxing. I miss boxing class.

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December 3, 2018

Is there a way you can ask Jessie if being friends would be okay?  You can never have too many friends.

December 4, 2018

@jaythesmartone that’s what we were trying to do before this altercation this fall, I think she’s decided I’m too much trouble. 🙁