I’m going to see Jane for tea soon at the local queer coffee shop. It’s bad but I almost don’t remember what she looks like. Facebook has made all of that so much easier, but she’s not on my facebook and I don’t know her last name and her first name is so common that she could be anyone. I know I will recognize her when I see her. She just is a bit hazy in my mind.
I was realizing more things about Jessie last night while talking to my cousin. I know this sounds woo woo but bear with me. She and I had both done spells a couple winters ago before we started hanging out that I think got tangled up and backfired on us. Because we were both wanting to bring someone like each other into our lives, and had specified qualities the other has. But she was looking for a friend, and I was looking for a partner. Anyway obviously we did find each other, but also we were on such different trajectories and looking really for such different relationships. Anyway, I’ve thought about it for a long time. I didn’t know about her spell until last year when I first told her my feelings and she wrote this sweet email about how she had sought out someone like me for a friend. Anyway… obviously she is still on my mind a lot.
But I felt like maybe I could do a spell to cut the cords between us and let each other go. And I did this spell earlier, in the summer, before our altercation. It was like a powerful spell but also pretty simple. And I don’t do spells often, mostly my spiritual practice is just smudging and thinking positive thoughts and maybe asking for answers in dreams. But yeah I did this spell to break our bond. And I didn’t really anticipate how it would play out. I didn’t go out sending her that email she got so upset about to push her away, but it did. And then all the other stuff.
I’m kind of thinking now that the severed communication between her and I is this spell manifesting. I mean I also know shit just happens. But in some ways this totally baffling reaction and series of events makes more sense if I believe that. I didn’t mean to use a love spell on her in the beginning, and I wish it hadn’t been her, and apparently it was only me feeling love. But I didn’t expect it to be HER. I was doing a general spell looking for someone with these qualities I admire. And it just got stuck on her. And we did know each other at that point in time I think, we were both involved with the festival. And I couldn’t look at her because she was too damn cute and had her partner with her all the time and I knew even then it was trouble if I let my feelings go that way. Anyway, and then the rest of the story happened.
I don’t know if a second spell really makes things right. I know it makes me really sad that she is mostly out of my life now. On the other hand we haven’t texted in a personal way for 12 weeks now. 3 months. A quarter of a year. And eventually it will be half a year. And then a year. And then two. And I know it’s ultimately good for me that we don’t text anymore. It made my feelings so intense and sad and I felt rejected and then when she responded elated and it was a real rollercoaster of a ride that wasn’t healthy. And my feelings aren’t being hurt by her so frequently because we don’t talk anymore.
And last night I was thinking, what would I do? What would I say? If she came to me and asked for a conversation to see where we were and if we could be friends. And I was thinking of saying things to her like “You’re afraid of me.” Or “You didn’t just push me away you shoved me.” But that’s not really what I was asking myself. I was asking myself if I could genuinely be her friend in a healthy way. And I know I still love her, and I know she’s not a good potential partner for me, and I know she’s not even available as a potential partner anyway. And honestly I don’t think I could be her friend in a healthy way with my feelings as they are. I hate to say it but I feel like this love is really toxic, for me anyway. I know feelings like that shouldn’t be toxic. And I need to be more positive about what my heart feels, even when it’s confusing. But this love has really hurt me. And it’s opened the door for her to really hurt me and toy with me and then deny she was doing any of that.
We have this mutual friend, I don’t know a good diary name for her. Whatever, anyway Mutual Friend is generally this down to earth butch who doesn’t take shit and says things as they are and is the main person involved in the festival Jessie and I are both involved with. And I don’t know that Mutual Friend knows what has happened between Jessie and I. In a lot of ways I was pretty ashamed of what I was doing and kept it from Mutual Friend. And there were a couple times I know hints came out, or just, probably to anyone with a keen eye could see what was going on. But because it’s been so long and because I kept so much hidden from Mutual Friend, I honestly don’t know what she knows. And we are getting closer, like going to movies together and stuff and sharing dinners. And I almost want to talk to her about it. But the history, even in a year and a half, got so convoluted and complicated and would require a lot of “I know this sounds really bad and it is” if I told Mutual Friend. And I wish I could just give her a 20 page essay on what happened to try and bring her up to speed so that I could get some perspective. Instead of being quiet whenever Mutual Friend mentions Jessie, or letting out a huge sigh when talking about my romantic history. And Mutual Friend was there the first time Jessie hit on me, she was literally watching it happen and then got confronted by Jessie before Jessie left the room. So she probably does know something was up.
I don’t know. Maybe it is better if no one else knows besides my close friends who don’t know Jessie. It’s not like anything ACTUALLY happened anyway.
I feel shitty for bleeding out this history with Jessie before a potentially promising first date with Jane. Like why am I not writing about how cute it is that I am about to have a first date? Shouldn’t I be excited? Shouldn’t I be dressing up or shaving my legs or something? Or cleaning the apartment? I just did some work and ordered uber eats McDonalds and am now hanging out with my dogs on the couch, weeping over this damn girl who probably feels fine now that I am out of her life. I wish she didn’t feel fine. I wish she missed me every day. But I have to move on and it’s so hard. And if that cord cutting spell really is working, why do I still feel like my heart got ripped out? Why haven’t I moved on by now?