Played my THIRD scrabble game with my new board, with my Mom Auntie and Uncle. I won! I spelled out niqab and vex and made major points! Yay!
This Christmas was relatively easy. I did get a bit stressed this afternoon. My sister came to be with us and she’s intellectually disabled and non-verbal. So she needs a lot of attention. And she wanted to watch The Santa Clause ALL afternoon and oh man I hate those movies. Mostly because we watch them every Christmas. BUT mostly she was okay. I had to keep my girl dog in a kennel though, except for when I brought her out to have a nap with me mid afternoon. Because I really didn’t want to set my girl dog up to do a dog bite and get in trouble. But later this evening we let her out and she was mostly good and did okay. Even with visitors. I think because my sister was gone and it was just my relatives and I playing a quiet board game, she felt safe. No one making sudden movements.
I was writing in my private diary last night about being unfriended and how that one friend Michelle had been such a shitty friend when I was having a hard time. And then suddenly I got really angry towards Jessie. I was thinking back to how unsupportive she was about my fertility clinic stuff and how alone I felt and how I tried to get support from her and she just did not give a fuck. And she had gotten support from me before then about various things like her cat dying. But just could not extend the same empathy to me. Anyway it made me really angry and it was bedtime and I knew I had to just turn out the light and go to sleep instead of stewing. I honestly don’t know what I expected. I guess I thought she was a legitimate friend instead of whatever she was. And also the fact that she got so angry at me when all that stuff was happening didn’t help either.
There’s this term going around, I think it comes from AAVE, but it’s when men are fuckboys/bois. Anyway, I think I’ve been dating fuckgirls for like, ten years. Like they are only interested in me for sex, or sometimes not even sex but just getting flirted with to boost their egos the way Jessie was. And they sort of float around and come by for attention but ditch as soon as I start expressing serious feelings or the desire for a real mature serious relationship. And I didn’t know why this was happening. I sort of wondered if no one wanted a real relationship anymore. Or was something wrong with me? I think now that I really just need to start moving on a lot faster when I see these patterns reveal themselves. Like yeah, there are a lot of fuckgirls in the world. And fuckboys but I don’t date boys so I don’t see that shit. So it’s just been these users coming into my life.
Some people think it’s sad that I haven’t had sex for as long as I have. But to be honest, I would hate to have had sex with any of these women. There was someone I had sex with in Berlin a couple times and she was like, the ultimate fuckgirl. Like the next day she just would not give a shit about me, wouldn’t even want to have a conversation with me. It was a raw deal and one of the reasons I stopped having sex on the first date. Like I felt all she knew about me was what it was like to fuck me and nothing about who I was or anything. And like she didn’t care either, she just kind of used butches for sex and threw us to the side the next day. Fuckgirls. Ugh.
Anyway, SINCE then I have refused to put out on the first date. And it’s been good. It’s made for a lot of first dates with no second dates. Which is like, fine, I’m glad they are removing themselves from the competition so I don’t waste my time. Like if they can’t handle waiting for not even very long really, then like whatever fine. They are probably just going to treat me like the Berlin fuckgirl did anyway. And it’s just fuckers like Jessie I need to get out of my life faster. I wish I didn’t have to work with Jessie. Because I know she’s probably still gonna play some more games with my heart if she can. Like goodbye hugs that are tooooooo close. Like trying to stare at me to get my attention from across the room. Like flirting when she’s got being drunk as an excuse. It’s fucked. I’m not into it. I admit I miss it but really what I miss is possibility and that was never really a real thing between us.
Anyway, I’ve decided I’m not going to date someone seriously until it’s the person I feel could be my wife. Like it’s time to get serious about this stuff. No more fuckgirls, no more polyamorous shit, no more shitty flirting with no follow through, no more of these sad patterns. If someone wants to be serious about me they have to sweep me off my feet. They have to be prepared to say the L word and I don’t mean lesbian. They have to be willing to live together in a year, and have babies, and grow old and die together. They have to be in it for the long haul. I’m still gonna date people, like multiple people just to get to know new people. But I’m gonna have my bullshit filter way up and ditch people faster. And when I find the one I think can give me what I want and deserve I am going to be just as serious and sweet for them. But yeah, still no sex on the first dates, still being willing to let go as soon as they seem shitty.
ANYWAY besides getting super serious about what my dating life is going to be like next year, I am also making my resolutions for the next year. I’ve decided I want to read more, books and magazines, like on paper not on a screen. I have a stack of books that need reading back home. And I am halfway through my third of four books I wanted to read these holiday seasons. I got a couple magazines for Christmas. I think it will be good for me. I got a smart tv back home and it’s been great for watching youtube playlists, not really watching tho but more listening to music. Because when I listen to music on my computer I end up going on facebook. Anyway, listening on my tv makes me do other things like read or clean the house or things like that. It would be nice to start drawing again too.
I’m not making a resolution to go to boxing again because I was gonna go back anyway in the new year because my foot is healed.
I’m going to challenge myself with knitting more. I’m getting yarn tomorrow to try doing some mittens. I’ve never done mittens. But I need to finally expand beyond scarves. And my girl dog’s sweater wasn’t as hard in the end as I thought it was going to be. Thank god for youtube! She loves her sweater, I’ve been putting it on her everyday since I finished.
I’m going to cut back on fucking Facebook. If I can figure out how to meet my needs in other ways, I will. I know it’s become a monopoly and it’s problematic and I need to get serious about my privacy and stuff. And anyway, now that Open Diary is back I am quite liking sharing here and finding people to talk to who aren’t my weird network on fb.
I’m trying to practice my ukulele more. It’s been helpful. I only practiced twice since I got to Hometown. BUT I know I can get into it, it’s actually pretty fun.
I try not to make too many resolutions because at a certain point I don’t remember them or get overwhelmed. So basically next year it’s:
- No More Fuckgirls.
- Reading more books and magazines
- Knitting challenges
- Cut back on facebook
- Practice my ukulele.
I think that’s good!