The Recovery Position

I only left the house to go to the pharmacy and the diner for lunch today. I was dropping off my prescriptions to get refilled. I also asked for a naloxone kit. I’m as a general rule not hanging out with people while they use drugs. But I know there is a lot of fentanyl in Toronto, even in the cocaine people are doing, and even tho I don’t hang out with partiers, I also don’t want to be with a friend who is overdosing and realize I’m missing something that could save their lives. Not to mention I live fairly close to two neighbourhoods with a high proportion of poor people in them, and I know I could come upon someone overdosing any time. Anyway, I asked the pharmacist for a naloxone kit and he showed me how to use and and gave me one. It comes with two doses. He was telling me how to put someone in the recovery position but as a person who had an alcoholic history I’m like “Yeah I know the recovery position.”

Jessie still hasn’t emailed me back. I don’t know why I hoped she would. I don’t even know, maybe she is fine with me just doesn’t want contact. Or maybe she is seething mad at me and doesn’t want to talk to me. I have no idea. All I know is our friendship really fucked up and it’s over now I guess and that’s all that can be said about that. I really miss her as a friend even. She understood things in a way not many other people did, because we worked sort of in the same sphere about the same kind of film. And so if I had problems with funding agencies, or film festivals, or distributors, or other artists, I could like spit it up in some ranty text message and she understood. And vice versa. I guess it probably sounds funny to miss THAT. Like that doesn’t sound romantic or anything. But it was just being seen in a way that some of my other friends don’t get. I do have arty and filmy friends, like she wasn’t the only one. But most of my close friends don’t work in that field, they are social workers, or doing music, or some other rando thing that doesn’t relate. They don’t get it when I’m like “UGH so and so didn’t tell me I got in This Bigtime Festival!” cause then I would have to explain why This Bigtime Festival was important and why I’d be choked not to know in time to go. But Jessie would get it because she knows what that means.

I guess it’s probably a big reason why I wanted to date her too. We were very complimentary. We knew the same field of stuff. She was femme and likes butches and I’m butch and like femmes. Blah blah blah. Same kind of goofy sense of humour. I miss that. When she gets excited and happy about something she kind of lights up and I miss seeing that in her face. But yeah, she had a partner and that kept me far away in the end. AND she was scared to be alone with me anyway which is kind of humiliating. Like I would accost her or something. Ugh.

Anyway, since she didn’t email me back I guess she is avoiding me again. And we are still “friends” on facebook and follow each other on Instagram. And that is fine I guess. I don’t care if we keep that connection. I mean it doesn’t bother me. I’m glad we have that at least.

It’s kind of weird because part of the reason I emailed her is because I know now that this big news about my career is coming out in Mid to Late January. And I guess part of me wanted to see if she would talk to me before then just based on me and my reaching out. Instead of talking to me because I might achieve some kind of art fame for a while. I admit, I kind of emailed her to see if she would be interested in talking to me as a human and friend, and not as some maybe famous person.

Fuck fame makes people sound so awful. Like on some level I know the people who love me before I get famous (if this thing does make me famous) will still love me after. But in other ways I almost want to know that people will love me before this big thing happens. Like before they know about it. Before my brightness becomes some kind of light they want to shine on themselves, when I am just this drab person who hangs out in my apartment cleaning and practicing my ukulele and watching youtube videos. Like my life is not very exciting to the outside eye right now. I’m literally sitting in a trashy living room thinking about cleaning up and doing dishes. Nothing exciting aside from that. I would love to have a girlfriend to clean up for on a regular basis so that I could hang out here with her. But I don’t have like, fame right now.

And I don’t want people to love me BECAUSE I am famous, like that would suck. And even the kind of fame I would have is like, limited because it’s so niche. Like I was telling my therapist the names of some famous people who did the same thing I’m gonna do and she didn’t know any of them. Because it’s such a small art world. And those names mean nothing outside of this realm.

I dunno. I guess I would hate it if Jessie got in touch with me just because she could see this fame coming for me. I love her so much but I don’t want her to come back to me just to get some starshine rubbed off on her. I would want her to come back to me to be my friend because she likes me and wants to hang out with me.

How do famous people trust their friends and lovers? That they aren’t getting used?

That’s mostly why I emailed her now. I just wanted to see if she could talk to me before I seem to be fancier than I am now. Kind of a bummer that she still doesn’t care.