So since I got my big news a few days ago, I’ve decided to redirect my energies into my career and getting out more to have fun, and not feel so pressured to find another date. And it’s been frustrating having a string of first dates with no second dates. And a string of unrequited loves on unavailable women. And the whole Jessie thing was a real mind fuck. Ugh.
So yesterday I decided to kick my wardrobe up a notch and ordered some very pricey yet gorgeous butch shirts (like literally they are made for butch/transmasculine people) from Hautebutch. I’ve realized if I am going to fancy events I need to look good, and I do have a few nice clothes, but it’s been a while since I got anything new. Honestly it will probably also make cuties notice me more, because sometimes when I am around fucking gorgeous femmes I realize how much of a slacker I look like in my jeans and t shirts. And I will still wear them, but not always, not so much.
I have been trying to go out and have more fun. I realized after my trip to Australia that even tho I really like being home alone with my dogs, there’s also a big part of me that wants to have fun and experience life again on a more frequent basis. Also I might meet people. I went to a movie on Friday night with a friend and she actually liked it (and so did I!) which was surprising because she rarely likes any of the movies we see. It was called Can You Ever Forgive Me and starred Melissa McCarthy as this crusty middle aged lesbian writer who becomes a forger of literary letters. One of the reviews I read said it wasn’t a comedy, but it definitely had comedic parts. There’s this one part where her friend Jack asks what happened to her girlfriend and she says she dumped her, and Jack asks what was wrong and she’s like “Oh she wanted me to listen to her troubles, and get to know her friends…” and Jack goes “That bitch!” ha ha omg.
Yesterday I went to a friend’s concert, they sang a song they wrote about their ex who is my other friend, and it’s called Barbecue and is about the time their ex/my friend had a barbecue while they were dating and didn’t invite them. And it involves a lot of screaming and talking about her steak sandwich. Ha ha omg. Anyway I felt so awkward in the front row watching them perform this song again because I WAS AT THAT BARBECUE! And Ricky, their ex, just wanted to hang out with friends and didn’t want to have her partner with her all the time. So funny! Anyway, the spite song was funny because I probably looked awkward watching it. At least they haven’t written a song about not being invited to the witch store before the Dolly Parton concert a couple years ago. Because once I mentioned that Ricky and our other friend went to the witch store before meeting M (the singer of the spite song) at Dolly Parton and M got really pissed they weren’t invited.
ANYWAY ha ha yeah and then this afternoon I went with Ricky and their current partner L. to drag brunch, which is basically drag queens doing numbers while you eat brunch. It was super fun. I ordered a tofu scramble but it was awful and I had regrets. That’s ok tho. I found a book on the shelves (it’s in a bookstore/restaurant) that was one of the first queer books I read when I was a teen. Amazing! Ha ha.
Now I’m hanging at home.
I’m not really giving up on the idea of getting a long term partner. I just feel like whatever I am doing isn’t working. I took down my OKC profile. I’m not great at striking up conversations, but I’m trying to get better, and I did talk to someone last night but I couldn’t really hear what they were saying because it was a noisy bar. But I’m hoping by going out more I’ll just naturally start meeting people without internet dating. And my career does need some concentration during the next few months, because big stuff is happening and I need to take advantage of it.
It’s not public yet, so I don’t get to brag yet. Part of me is hoping when it does get announced it will make Jessie contact me. But also fuck her and why do I want that when she’s been so awful? She made me feel like she hadn’t wanted to be friends with me this whole time, and like she was afraid of me, and just was really shitty and didn’t take accountability for anything she did. It’s true I love her though, and it baffles me because I logically know she’s bad for me and isn’t going to be with me anyway. I don’t understand how those facts and that feeling can co-exist. I know it’s gonna fade away and I’ll love someone who loves me back some day. And who is actually good for me and open and honest and deals with conflict in a way I can accept and feel good about. I’ve read my tarot cards about Jessie and I and it says there is a lot of deception going on on her end and I’m not totally sure what that means. My friends say she just used me because she liked my crushed out attention. And that could be a big part of it. I mean ultimately she is not close to me anymore and I need to look to a future without her. Except she and I are still involved in this film festival together.
But I am thinking my life is going to change dramatically next year. And I want to be prepared for it. And I’m ready for it. I’m gonna have cute clothes. My big break. And I think I’m gonna meet someone, but I don’t want to be focused on that anymore. I want it to just happen. My Mom and I were talking about the possibility of women being intimidated by me. It sounds so shitty. But for a long time people I’ve either been romantically linked with or wanted to be have either straight out told me they felt weird because I had a career so young and they didn’t know what they wanted yet, or I was high profile and accomplished and they weren’t, and it feels like for whatever reason a lot of women turn me down for that reason. Like my last first date with Flippy Top, that whole thing ended after I sent her my video and suddenly she had anxiety and ditched me. And it’s a good video, I know it doesn’t suck. But yeah, Flippy Top. Damn her. It’s a weird fine line, like I don’t want to date someone who is overly impressed with my career, like a starfucker. But I also don’t want to date someone who treats me shitty and like I’m not important. My Mom was saying maybe I need to join some kind of lesbian professional singles group or something, like date a successful lawyer or someone who is also doing well for themselves. And Jessie IS doing well for herself, she’s got a PhD and stuff, like I am starting to be attracted to that kind of person. But also I think I need to start seeing myself for who I am, and sometimes I am still stuck seeing myself poor and addicted like I was seven years ago. Not that poor and addicted people don’t deserve love. But I am not in that place anymore and I’m a good catch and I guess sometimes I don’t recognize it, and I sort of gravitate towards people who don’t have their shit together yet. Maybe more so when I lived in the prairies though. There are a lot of people who have problems finding work or a career and stuff that I know there. And I never really did well for myself there romantically OR careerwise.