I guess I should have seen it coming. Ha ha NO it wasn’t fucking Jessie, I think Jessie and I are still “friends” in that fake way on FB.
No, this was Michelle who I had issues with this last summer. During the whole broken foot/fertility clinic stuff when I was going through heavy things and really needed support, every time I tried to talk to her in messenger she would flip things around and start talking about herself. And I just could not handle it at that time. She was so selfish and I didn’t know what to do. I sort of ended a few conversations after she did that and then I would try again later and she would be selfish again. And finally one day I just stopped talking to her. And it was awkward because she wanted to know why and I didn’t want to tell her because honestly she really was such a lousy selfish friend and I didn’t know how to sugarcoat that AND ALSO not to mention I was dealing with heavy stuff and couldn’t extend myself to talk her through this issue. So I ignored her, which isn’t mature but is all I knew to do.
And then time passed.
And my life got easier, and I felt like I could listen to her bullshit where she made everything about herself again. But by then too much time had passed, and I knew if I tried to talk to her I would have to explain why I quit talking to her. So then there was this awkward silence. And she probably put me on restricted profile or something because I barely saw anything she would post about. Anyway, MONTHS go by. And when she did make posts I could see I was still liking or reacting or whatever those stupid clicks do. So I wasn’t ignoring her.
But anyway she wrote some thing today about “comment a memory of me” blah blah blah so I commented something and she just wrote back “I forgot we were friends. Merry Christmas.” AND THEN SHE UNFRIENDED ME!
Anyway, obviously it’s a big mess. She was the one who has Borderline Personality Disorder and I had been trying to figure out if her selfishness was a symptom of that disorder. And I don’t think I ever got a solid answer on that, in all my googling.
BUT the good thing is she just lives in Hometown, so I don’t see her everyday or in my regular Toronto life. And we never really did hang out much, mostly our friendship was through FB messenger.
I feel sad that things worked out this way. On the other hand it was awkward and I guess she felt uncomfortable with me being a facebook friend who didn’t talk to her in messenger. I wonder if Jessie will unfriend me this holiday season. Oh boy!
That makes three friends I lost this year who I thought I was close to. Robin who totally went apeshit on me tearing me down and who I cut off completely. Jessie who got mad when I was confused about our friendship. And now Michelle who didn’t like me not talking to her so she could make everything about herself.
I know essentially losing friends is part of growing, and some people are in your life for a season, blah blah. It still sucks though when someone becomes impossible to have in your life anymore. AT THE SAME TIME though, this year my tolerance for bullshit went WAY down, and it’s probably for the best. I’ve cultivated better friendships that are mutually supportive back in Toronto, have friends I do fun things with, stepped outside my comfort zone socially and also been more careful about who I let in. And I know I have to be surrounded by supportive people these next few years while I continue looking for a solid romantic partner and also watching my career take off and also having babies. Like I just can’t have superficial friendships with selfish people anymore.
Hopefully she doesn’t regard me as some kind of enemy. I really don’t feel angry towards her, I just knew she couldn’t be the kind of friend I needed.