Woaaaaaahhhh

I had therapy this morning. I was exhausted and sick but went anyway. I was telling her about the Jessie thing. And how I felt like a creep and like I didn’t see this right the whole time. And she was like “No, she lead you on, you had something more than just a friendship, it’s not like you’re like that with any friend of yours.” And that was true. And I said I felt shitty because why did I like someone who had a partner in the first place. And she was like “But it’s so common, lots of people like people with partners. You can’t control who you have feelings for. If we could all control our feelings we’d all be a lot happier.” And she did say you know a lot of people break up and have affairs and stuff, like it’s not totally crazy of me to have thought something was going on. So yeah. I mean it’s still over between us, whatever that friendship was.

I told Mom about therapy this morning and Mom was like “UGH I hope you never chase a narcissist again!” And I was like WAITAFUCKINGMINUTE! My ex friend Robin had been calling Jessie a narcissist since day 1 of my crush on her. Like way back, way last summer. And every time I tried to be all moony about Jessie she’d be like “FUCK there are so many red flags!” and she’d try to point them out and explain how this thing works and that I was supply and she was gonna discard me. And actually over the last year I saw a few cycles where she’d lovebomb then devalue and discard me. And I kept trying to start it up again, or giving up until she would text me randomly to ask me some innocent question like how was I doing or comment on something she saw on my facebook. And she would always pull me back in because I loved her, or thought I did, and it seemed like we had something emotionally intimate. And I don’t know, maybe we never did. I remember when we first started being friends she would send me all these messages and they were all really personal details about her history and her life and her relationships. And I felt kind of weird about it because she got emotionally vulnerable really fucking fast, faster than I have ever gotten and I am really open. Or seem to be. But yeah I guess it lowered my defenses and I trusted her faster because why would she tell me all this personal stuff without being someone interested in something deep with me? And I remember actually feeling guilty because I wasn’t opening up as fast or anything. I was still like, holding the intense stuff inside and my tender stories.

And then I started opening up, and she seemed to like it until she didn’t. I don’t know…. I can’t pinpoint the exact point when she started devaluing me, or not being interested, or not caring. But I felt it more towards the end, but even off and on before it felt present. I missed her and felt shitty about myself when she ignored me like that. And even just before I sent my email trying to clarify her boundaries and confessing that I was confused, there were a couple weeks when I pulled back. And she sought me out by saying something like caring, or seeming to care, about my broken foot not healing. But she had never been present when I first broke my foot and needed help taking out the garbage, she wasn’t there when I was doing the IVF stuff. She just really cared about herself. And what she could get from me and when I was inconvenient.