While re-reading my previous entry, I could barely believe that was only two months ago. I feel like I’ve lived several lifetimes beginning in January when Harry told me, “Your Mother’s losing it.” This summer, which I never like in the best of times – much too hot, humid, and sunny for my taste – has been especially painful and odd. Praise God just one more month before the intense heat subsides.
I was surprised to see that I’d noted my mother’s dementia and the emotionally painful issue with my dentures. I forgot I’d written that. I so wish I could develop consistency in journaling but consistency in general has never been one of my attributes. The last time I spoke with my mother on the phone she read a few pages of her mother’s journal. I have one of them as well – now would be a good time to read through it.
My grandmother journaled each day’s events. A typical entry would be – “Ate oatmeal and toast for breakfast. <A relative> came by at 1 pm. We went for a drive and stopped at <some restaurant> for lunch. Returned home at 4 pm. Fixed <whatever> for dinner. Watched the 11 pm news and went to bed.”
I call that “Just the Facts, Ma’am” journaling. My journaling, in contrast, focuses less on what happened than my reaction, feelings, side trails to another event of which it reminded me, meandering thoughts on life in general….I would call my style “Musing.” I’m quite good at musing, having done so as far back as I can remember. I have a very questioning mind, often regarding minutia. I may hear a snippet of info that will send me into hours of research. (Also LOVE research.) I wish I could corral my musing, love of research, and wordsmithing into a book, or even a series of articles.
I’ve reached a state of “numbness” – the state of constant elevated anxiety, worry, crying all day is very wearing on the body. It’s interesting (here I go again)…on occasions when I have run out of my anti-anxiety medication, to which my body is extremely addicted, by about day four I literally feel like I’m going crazy but once I take that first dose, I can literally feel my physical body relaxing. It’s an “Ahhhhhhhhh….” feeling akin to slipping into a luxurious bath. The interesting part is that for a day or two afterwards my muscles are very sore, as if I’d had a hard workout in the gym (as if that ever happened, but you get the idea). When I spoke with my Dr. about that she said during the time I was without the medication my body/muscles were tensing – I was in a constant state of “Fight or Flight” – for DAYS!! After a bout to the ER during one of those times, she and I have decided that my body is so dependent on that med (due to no choice of my own – my psychiatrist of 30 years loved to prescribe meds in high doses without warning of potential side effects – honestly, if I could sue him I would but, at the time it was prescribed I was in very bad shape. Still doesn’t excuse him leaving me on a highly addictive med and by the time I researched it, my body was already addicted…anyway…) that it would be too difficult to wean off. fortunately I’m on a very low dose now.
Where was I – right – I’ve reached a state of numbness because my mind just can’t cope with constant anticipation of what “might happen.” Sometimes what we fear never happens. A month ago Paul, a good friend of mine who I initially met five years ago in the chat room of a Bible teacher, was killed when hit by a car as he crossed the road. When we met he had just begun a YouTube channel using comedy to show how current events relate to Bible prophecy. He had been a professional comedian in his younger years and created “characters” in his YouTube videos such as “Laban Schmull,” “Fritizie,” and a few others that had us all laughing. I followed the beginnings of his channel and continued watching for two years until his subject matter changed focus. I still checked in occasionally to see how he was doing. We emailed regularly and spoke on the phone several times during the first two years. He tended toward a sensitive, melancholic personality (very common among the artistic); then lost his parents within a month of each other, had to move out of the only home he’d lived in except for three years when he was married, and was adrift physically and emotionally for some time. He was living in Nashville, TN (his home was in Maryland) and, in his last video, was so peaceful and looking forward to the future. He did not own a car and, based on the eye witness of the driver whose car hit him in the newspaper account, said that she saw Paul step off the curb, clear her lane, then jumped out of the way of the car in the next lane – right back in front of her. It was 10 p.m. at night. I feel so badly for the woman who hit him…could not have avoided hitting him and….she is a Dr.
My point is that a 55 year old man in good health dies in a freak accident while I’m afraid every time the phone rings.
Queen’s song, “Under Pressure” comes to mind again. First a fun video about how the song came to be (the first man speaking in the video is Jim Beach, the band’s attorney then later manager – to those who saw the movie, this is the man Freddie dubbed “Miami Beach”):
This is the official “video recording” of the song – can you distinguish David Bowie’s part? (I have no idea what the Nosferatu reference means other than “Keep coming up with love but it’s so slashed and torn.” The main gist of the song is the pressure we all live with, be it getting to work on time, the Great Depression/food lines, civil unrest, etc. with the message of “Can’t we give love one more chance.)
Listen for the iconic high note that begins at 2:27 – From what I’ve researched, I think that is Roger Taylor (Drummer) but Freddie was also capable of hitting that note as well – he was known for his amazing voice range. Various artists to the present have tried copying that note but can’t pull it off.
For some reason, David Bowie didn’t want his name on the album. I’ve seen interviews where Freddie was asked about that and he sloughs it off. Ironic that in the Tribute Concert after Freddie’s death, the sang it “together” again:
Eventually I’ll get back to journalling…right now I try to stay upbeat.