First day of a new life

I woke up craving. Even now I’m craving for a quick high. Once you know what a high feels like, you want it more and more. The only problem is, when the high dies, it makes you feel low again.

Even though I’ve been craving, I spoke to my dad on the phone, walked in my living room to just get out of my bedroom, then returned to my room & crawled back in bed. I guess it will take some time to gain new habits and have energy.

the old me would have been high already. I would be smoking as we speak. I would be at the counter to think as I smoked. Then I would go back to bed & take a nap & wake up to get high again before accomplishing maybe only one goal…if that.


this morning I went to my living room and thought about my guitar…thought about how nice it would feel to just sit in the center of the room and just play. Maybe God will turn my smoking habit to better material for my music.

I started thinking of lyrics. When I’m alone, I have this weird thing I do where I scream HELP out loud. I scream it. Subconsciously I’m yelling at God for help…almost like I’m saying, I’m suffering where are you?!?”

Maybe I need to write a song called help.


I’m screaming help me

Im so far from where I want to be

Not knowing where I need to be

I’m crying out, please help me.

Is there anybody

who can see me crying

or knows when I am lying.

Is there a God who

knows that I’m fighting 

but I’m tired 

I’m screaming help me

I’m so far from where I want to be

Not knowing where I need to be

I’m crying out, please help me.


show me your way


I always wanted to be someone in power. The only person I only wanted to “need from” would be God. The entertainment industry is heavily reliant on the help of gatekeepers. Jay is one of them…the senior vice president of Warner bros and HBO. What is it that prevents this man from helping me? WHY DOES HE NOT WANT TO HELP ME?

I don’t understand. No one ever wants to help me. And even the people that do help me, they are only using me for their benefit. Much like Kalani, how can he just let me be here without trying to help me? How can he not know how much I want this?
I’ve worked with him for years and now he’s on tour, helping a country artist instead of me.

I can’t rely on men or women for my success. I just got to depend on God because He created them. He can works on their hearts…He can protect me better than anyone else.

but there’s a part of me that doesn’t believe god is real because I don’t FEEL Him…I really do feel like when you die it’s just lights out…no heaven or hell. But how did we ever exist?

I keep saying this: dinosaurs are real…we have evidence of this to be true. Why weren’t they mentioned in the Bible? Why wasn’t that documented in the Bible? and I know for a fact, a man named Jesus did exist…I mean it would be impossible for someone to write up or make up stories …no one get royalties from the Bible…the Bible exists because, much like today, people want to document their experiences. People wanted to document their experience of Jesus…he was the people’s first celebrity.

I believe there is something deeply rooted in me that wants to be perfect and loved. I got plastic surgery to stay youthful looking. I didn’t want to look in the mirror and see all the time that has past. I wanted to look in the mirror and see a beautiful young woman, despite being 40.

i don’t get mistaken for my twenties anymore…I get 32 now. But to be honest, I think we all kid ourselves and don’t want to face reality that we are inevitably expiring.

if I got high, I would not be texting you guys. I would not be thinking about my life in this manner. I know it’s only been a few hours but I miss smoking so much and I STILL have anger about giving my weed away…but at the same time, I feel like it’s back to “GAME TIME”. Meaning, it’s time to get in my best shape. It’s time to look my best. It’s time to start memorizing my music like the back of my hand. It’s time to read my script everyday to understand my character….ITS TIME!

I finally got rid of Keith. He forgot my birthday even though it’s the same day as his new girlfriend and all of his money/time/efforts goes towards her. I don’t need that type of toxicity in my life. He’s not a brother but he was the best brother type I ever had. I know he’s a good guy but just because someone is a good guy means they are good for you. Keith is not good for me. He tells me things I already know. I’ll figure it out.

so I don’t drink or smoke….maybe microdose mushrooms?…no. I just need to accept that I will never feel a high again. That in itself fucking sucks. How can I escape when I want to? I don’t want to take a pill…and I don’t want to have sex…I just want to inhale and exhale smoke….GOD TAKE THIS ADDICTION AWAY!


Father, help me. Amen

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