The windows are open and I’m listening to the tree frogs singing in the marsh. Sometimes I wish I had made different choices, but then I wouldn’t be here. Tonight reminds me of Charleston, SC. Reminds me of a different time with different wishes and hopes and dreams. I’m learning to love the life I have, not the one I thought I wanted. That’s a hard thing to learn. It sounds simple, right? You’re blessed! Why can’t you just be happy, why do you want more? Some of it is expectations. Expectations I had for myself, that my family had for me..even expectations from good friends.
We only have one child. This was initially due to my health. I almost didn’t make it home from the hospital last time. We were lucky Quinn turned out as perfect as she did. James is still traumatized from watching my BP tank and almost not come back. But now, we are only having one child because one is enough. One is enough for my time, and our resources. We won’t have to choose so many things. We will have more options for so many things. But I always pictured myself with two. It look a bit to let that go.
I could write a novel on all the expectations I had for myself that have changed through the years.
It’s enough to know, tonight, that I’m learning to be happy with just where I am. Tonight, I’ve found a bit more peace.