Blurbs…journaling them are mine?

The Black Tattoo….

“Time dragged past and my feelings didnt change, I began to be sick”

“The color drained out of my life he said. My love was eating me up inside like a disease: sometimes i thought I could feel it killing me.”

~~~~~~~

Hearing her voice inspiring a soothing balm. Brings sun to my clouded days. Warms me up inside where everything is ice covered. This ice it always comes back.

I hate myself

I hate to love myself

I love to hate

I hate to love

 

Wish that I could turn it off. That I could forget those warm feelings.

Is it live to die, or die to live?

Don’t get me wrong. Life is kind of ok right now. I am gaga over Mouse but terrified she’s to much like me. We’re definetly officially dating, calling one another pet names, saying”this is my gf”. So much there makes me happy, but I wonder if i will tear it down and destroy it like usual. Goddess I hope not!

A seems to be major jealous of Mouse and I. Things are different. I’m super confused. Don’t know how to deal with jealousy, let alone her being jealous. I know I have been chasing A for so long and now that I’ve moved on, it seems like she wants a shot, or is fucking with my head. She knows about Mouse, they’ve even met.

A helped me get into a car. Not as nice hers, but still pretty wonderful, I hated it at first. Then I learned to love her…she’s a Hyundai Elantra GT,  2017. I named her Betty (after betty paige, and because she is such a Betty)

Doing substitute work for the Register Guard. Trying to get an account with UBER to drive. Have a job if I want it with a mortgage company…Doing collections, yuck. Trying to do like the RG and Uber so that I can still put money into the house and help out with the car but still file and hopefully get disability now That my diagnosis has changed.