2021/10/09

Today I worked early. In the afternoon I talked with my Chinese friends on WeChat. One of my friends told me that I was a nice person, and I thought it was impressive. After that, another friend of mine said to me I was nice on WhatsApp, so I remembered my past days. In the past days… everybody hated and laughed at me. That’s my past. Because of them, I don’t know how to talk and therefore I can’t open my mind. I had been hated by girls when I was a child, so I have never been in love. Yes, that’s my life so I make lemonade from the lemons God gave.

Now I’m thinking about a woman. Yes, of course, she must have a boyfriend so I don’t want to disturb her (and him). But I want to tell her my mind. I don’t know how to create our friendship. Yes, this might end as my lonely struggle so I want to stay calm. Looking at real myself, I am poor and fat. Women don’t like a person like me… that’s sad but true, so this struggle may end in vain. Stay calm…

Once, I have loved women three times. The first time, I went to Tokyo and was said that she would marry a person. The second time, our relationship stays on the net only. She is a bisexual person so she has a girlfriend (or a boyfriend). The third time, I couldn’t realize it but she is a friend I can trust (and I believe that friendship is a gift from God). Yes, every chance went in vain but I had been changed by these events. And this love must end in vain 95%. I want to write a novel about this event.

Listening to Neil Young’s “Harvest Moon”, I read Yoshio Kataoka’s “Outside of Japanese” a little. What is America? and what is Japan? I think it’s a pity because we can’t read this book easily (it’s out of print and the Kindle version is only available). When I was a high school student, I thought seriously even I didn’t know politics and made opinions of “love and peace” or “anti-globalism”. These experiences have made me and I can accept them. Or I should say I can love myself even I was such a teenager.