Today I’ve read “Keizo Hino Selected Short Stories” Volume 1&2. It’s difficult to explain Keizo Hino’s style of writing. It’s like the literature which has the taste of Science Fiction or just nearby the world of J.G.Ballard… this makes sense? Every story is interesting. The story about anorexia is great, or weird imagination has told in them and it’s also good. But especially, the most interesting story I could enjoy is the essay-like story which contains the experience he had cancer. When did the people start to think about death and represent that concept in language? That kind of philosophical thinking is still shining.

Today I’ve attended the “stop-drinking-alcohol” meeting and had the chance to learn about addiction. As a process of recovering from addiction, we need to have fine self-love and grow it up. It was impressive. Being born as an autistic person, I had grown up being bullied in schools and blamed by every child therefore I couldn’t have any self-love and had been haunted by the thought of “I should die”. But from the period I started attending these meetings, I started accepting of this poor myself and confessing to others. And this process has made me think as I am a great person.

Once, by that period, I had thought that how/where I had been better than others was the basis of self-love. I am (maybe) smarter than others, or write (probably) better articles than others… etc. But now I accept my bad/poor elements and I should accept this whole myself as the true one. I should live this life as myself, not as others. Yes, it took a long time but I become I can. I think the experience I was said by a woman as “You shouldn’t blame yourself like that” has also changed me. It tells me that the way of thinking can be changed by some training.

Death… Once I wished death. So I had drunk a lot of alcohol and tried to kill myself. I should die and that was a must… but still I am alive. And I want to live more. As Radiohead sings, life might be the process “we scratch out eternal itch”, but I still say that living is fine. From this reading of the short stories by Keizo Hino, I thought that “When did we start to describe death by language”? During this life, I keep on asking these kinds of impossible questions and thinking about them. That’s life.

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