Much has happen since I last wrote anything down. I am a wife and a mother in the world of Covid. I wake up every morning being thankful I have a roof over my head a well stocked kitchen my families health job to go to. My morning mantra. I am struggling in the finical department but who isn’t during these times. I am struggling to lose the baby tummy. No matter how much I ride the bike or ab exercise I do it just doesn’t want to leave. I am struggle as a step parent for my eldest. He has been quarantine twice however he has not gotten the virus thank goodness but it worries me when he is at his mothers and I don’t know how he is doing. I have know him since was a baby. He is super smart, kind, a little unobservant but the best big brother my little one could ever ask for. They get along like 2 peas in a pod. I just don’t feel like my family unit is complete without him there. At night, (I know this weird) but I count heart beats in the house. Everyone from the kids my husband to all our furry animals. It helps me not sure why or when it started.
I do have a question for anyone reading this: Have you ever had a dream so vivid it leaves your heart in shreds? I had a dream last night that I had another baby name Stephan. I actually held him and felt the weight of his body in my arms. The heat of him radiating. My youngest was so happy he got to be a big brother. My eldest was slightly annoyed he had another sibling but was very accepting of him. My husband couldn’t have been more prouder. And then in my dream he was just gone, my youngest was blaming himself my husband was just sad I didn’t understand I just had him. I remember what he looked like how he smelled everything. I woke up in tears and just kept asking where was Stephan. I think that’s what triggered me to want to write again because I don’t want to forget him. Even if he wasn’t real I don’t want to forget him. It gave me small hope that maybe I should have another baby, I want to but my husband and I know that wouldn’t be fair to our kids. We couldn’t stay in the finical position we are in now we wouldn’t be able to do the things we like to do and the deadline is almost here for me to have another child. Though my youngest talks about it all the time.
Well, I made myself cry again so I better stop for now.