transcripts and telephone calls – Mirrors.

2 for 2 today…seems to be a new trend. Since I’ve abjectly NOT wanted to write lately, or have had nothing of seeming importance to say, I’m going with this. It’s better than not, and getting it out is certainly better than the alternative, at least to me. And really, that’s what matters.

I often wish I could have an instant transcription of certain phone calls – ones that are either sweet, or profound, or both – ones that I want to hold onto and remember. The more I seem to want to remember them, the less likely I am able to do so. But this one today was needed, necessary and important. And I’m pretty sure it’s exactly what I needed – constant reassurance seeking is a bad thing, but sometimes a little validation is exactly what is needed in any given moment. The knowledge that you’re not alone, that what you’re feeling is valid and normal, and allow yourself the patience to work through it.

I mentioned last night and the anxiety attack in the last entry. After all that, I was quiet, but I didn’t know why – probably my effort to be either as unobtrusive as possible, while figuring out what I was supposed to do – what I COULD do to help. The whole thing left me feeling…I don’t want to say sad, sad isn’t really the correct way to say it, but I’m not sure what is… As I said earlier, part of me was afraid that it was my fault (to be fair to my own growth however, that was a very small part) and part of me was worried about my life partner, this person I loved so much…this person I realized quite succinctly and suddenly that I would do anything for. And because of that realization, I believe…what I was left with was feeling…incompetent. I felt like I was supposed to help, supposed to be there, supposed to make it better, or take it away…this was my partner, my life-smasher my stbw…fuckit I can’t call her what I WANT to call her and it’s annoying the shit out of me (pardon my temporary stream of conciousness) and I couldn’t DO anything. I have to take a pause to say that Devon did not do or say anything at all to make me feel this way – to the contrary, she insisted I WAS doing something, just by being there, by listening, by not running away, but to me, IN MY OWN HEAD, it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t good enough. But there was nothing more that I could do. The mirror reminded me, in those moments that I need to just take a step back…say the serenity prayer “god grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference” and understand my feelings but not allow them to take over. My feelings were an aspect of my codependency talking. I know that. But because of them, I was unable to sleep much or well. Woke up unrested and restless…then I got to work and found out that dinner plans had been cancelled, on top of that, my paycheck was late getting deposited which stressed me out (its since been resolved) and I realized that the project I’ve been working on for the past couple of weeks might have been done all wrong…was not a good morning.

On top of that…I’ve been going through something internally for a few weeks now, sparked by the issues going on with my familial relationship to begin with, and self-forgiveness as secondary. But I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I want to burry the past – leave it where it belongs, and find a way to move on. And I felt abjectly sad about that, and couldn’t understand why. The past was unhealthy. My parents, while they will always be my parents, are unhealthy for me when I spend too much time dwelling on their failure to accept me as I am. I’m not going to forget the past, but by burying it, with a shovel and a tombstone, which means separating myself from some people, creating a clean space to start over, I am experiencing a sense of loss – almost like I’m in mourning. The mirror and I talked about this extensively. Once you make the decision or realize that you’re not going to hide behind the way that things have always been, you can’t justify old patterns or bad behaviors with old excuses. You have to own up and take responsibility – accepting where you are in the present and moving forward. And it’s hard. It’s extremely hard – I wasn’t expecting that, and didn’t prepare for it, and didn’t see it coming. I want to write about this process more…in a more creative way – maybe a story for flash Friday prompted by my own current circumstances or something. But for now, I’m just trying to get it out the only way I know how. I have to fully allow myself to mourn it. To take the leap to self-forgiveness and not hide behind the past mistakes and past fuck-ups that I’ve used to justify my continual life-long self-flagellation. I’ve beat myself up for them long enough – it’s time to put an end to it. Time to set boundaries not only with the people from my past who will remain on the fringes when they can’t be severed completely. It’s time to set boundaries with myself. It’s time to put away those things. Not to say I will never again talk about my past, when and if I choose to – but I am not required to give answers on it, or dwell on it, or consider it. It is my story to either tell – or not. What matters now is not where I’ve been, or how I’ve become to be shaped into what I am. What matters now is what I’ve become, and how I’m making strides towards further growth. I don’t know why I’ve kept this internalized for the whole time I’ve been considering it. That’s a lie – if I kept it inside, and didn’t focus on it, and didn’t think about it, I could change my mind. Once I open my mouth and share it here, or verbally – it’s something I can be held accountable for, something I cannot just fade from if the road to courage is too difficult, and my past behaviors and self-detrimental attitudes become too alluring. Once you share it, it’s out there, it’s been spewed into the ether, and you can’t take it back. And trust me, there are people who will hold me accountable for it. I will hold myself accountable for it.

So…take the mourning for the funeral of my past, add it to the anxiety and feelings I experienced over the stress of my closest loved one – add to that the fact that someone from my past has made an impromptu appearance that I’m mostly responsible for (given that I started it) but expected no reply and now I’m pretty sure I didn’t want one in the first place…what I said was for my benefit, not theirs and the response has confused me – add to that the reason that my girlfriend is stressed the MOST is because of the wedding that I’m not a part of, and any lingering resentments (probably not a resentment as much as an annoyance of complete tunnel vision on the part of someone who is oblivious to the thoughts, feelings, needs, or happiness of others) that may bring…and you have a perfectly understandable feeling of sadness or offness today. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it?

Mirrors are true reflections, in reverse, of ourselves. All I know is that I’m grateful, in spades, for mine.