I dreamed of an apocalyptic future of guns and darkness and ugliness in people. I would run and run until I found a better place. But after awhile the better place was overtaken by ugly people and darkness and guns. I ran so much I was exhausted when I forced myself awake.
A dream, but how I view this world. Dark and ugly and full of killing machines. Ugly people spewing ugly words, ugly actions. I keep thinking I can run, move on, and things will get better.
But it is the same everywhere.
I am meant to be alone. It is when I am most happy.
I was not made to be around others, as I don’t fit in anywhere, never have.
I do not enjoy relationships. Too much pressure to do what I don’t want to do, to be perfect. To take care of others. I don’t like it. I’m tired of taking care of others. I’ve done it long enough.
I have never had anyone take care of me. No one has even tried. My parents gave us food and shelter (and abuse and emotional neglect). That is why I am happiest alone, no one to disappoint me, no one to take care of but me.
I stood on the beach and closed my eyes and soaked in the sound of the crashing waves and then the next morning was calm, serene, no waves.
How do I be alone but be with my best friend?
My dreams know the truth. I know the truth.