Hypochondriac pains and gains

I don’t know why I’m so anxious about medication and  my body. I’m somewhat educated on disease processes and symptoms of them. I keep lying down and feeling short of breath, I am so depressed that I honestly can only tell you I know that by my (non satisfiable) feeling. I continuously search for sparks, buying paints, drawing sets…makeup…ect. Can’t do it. I work nights and I’m over sleeping. All I want is my bed and to be asleep, that is it, asleep forever yet i’m so scared of death I’d rather be unconscious to not be afraid. My existence is miserable. My sex drive is completely vanished (tmi) but that’s new, and my cravings are higher than normal. I’m still with that guy, from a distance and I constantly put him down because I’m scared to let him near me again, I don’t want to be abused but I don’t have the strength to leave. I talk to my daughters aunt, (my exes sister) whom is the one whose kids father died that I was very close with.. I go to psychics often and feel better, buy crystals, incense and all that, but searching for answers hurts more than it helps. I can’t stand it. I grabbed two more jobs so I can leave if need be, but I know I’ll find something wrong there. I miss my counseling appointment that i scheduled for this exactly because I worked nights and it was in the morning. I missed the cardiac app i bitched about because i worked also and i had a dentist app which turned into him prescribing me sulfa antibiotics that i cannot take because my family has a history of reactions to and I’m too fucking scared to take them. I won’t take my originally prescribed medicine which is celexa I think, or lexapro, not sure, but something like that. My heart feels heavy and I constantly have palpitations when I lye down, I try meditation, and I’ve been having visions that occurred (like my boyfriend popped a tire and called me on the thruway and I had a dream about it the night before and refused to ride with him ), i gained the ten lbs I lost back because i quit keto, I have no energy, i miss my fucking sister so much, and ryan, and even kristy lately. i just need to get all the negativity out of me, ive been taking the salt baths, cleansing, everything. I know it’s probably ptsd from traumatic deaths of my most loved souls, and being abused by men for years and feeling like a shitty parent that shouldn’t even bother, working nights and having a terrible schedule and now picking up more jobs. My grandma is getting better but i know she might die at some point so im avoiding her like i have everyone before they die (even if i didn’t know it) and it hurts me because I want to run far far away. where it can leave. I think i have copd even though I quit smoking and still want to smoke but havent. I hate the gynocologist but i should go because why wouldnt i, oh yeah because i hate strangers touching me … ick

On the good side, i have three jobs.. one that pays 26 per hour, which is amazingly fine with me.

I have my daugher, and my mother who watches her for me and is so nice and does everything.

I have a place to live basically for free (besides i buy everything)

my grandmother is getting better

i am still alive and not on heroin for almost three years

I am a survivor, that is going through most likely survivors guilt here and there.

I am the only one that is making it in my group and at any point i can get better

I spoke to a bunch of kids against drugs

I went back to a meeting

I will make it, I will leave him. I will do better at my job.

I will stop using outside support to fuel my internal gaps.

I will not use.

thank you for reading.