Update: I have been public speaking, starting a wellness center that I have limited funding for and was going to start with my fiancee, attending a private college to get my bsn, and have been trying to help run a sober house and sober community online.
I want to scream. I feel like this nasty monster is welling up in my body and becoming angry when I am happy, and twisting my thoughts so I have to face this ultimatum.
Oh, the ultimatum.
What is it?
It’s that crossroad thought where my fiancee, I love, is supposed to be invested in this dream as much as I am or even thirty percent… and is playing video games while I am balancing business plans and school. I get in the house and I am nervous, sick to my stomach and overall just- sad and disappointed. He is beautiful, but right now he is in a different place than i.
I keep asking him to help, and he does some minimal things.
His father bought the sober house he is running- and we had decided we would both help run it. I edited the contracts and agreements, adjusted the rules, printed sheets for them to fill out, made face sheets, cleaned, gave us my new vacuum, vision boards, white boards and computer for those men. Just to have him complain that I was running the meeting and taking over. Yet he wants my business to be half and half?
I know I am being ungrateful.
We were going to do our purposel this month and obviously it’s not going to happen.
We planned several vacation ideas and canceled them to save money for the business- every dime I’ve had went to it.
Yet his father is willing to fix another car for him, and even buy him another sober house in a location that will not be funded by the government.
We are still renting? I am struggling with nothing to make a dream tangible while he is doing nearly nothing and receiving things he will put little work into.
The monster is my feelings and I become so mad that I say things I somewhat mean.
I told him I would just run the business and he could just do the sober houses.
Which takes away half the income towards the business.
I just wish I could work in peace because I am desperate to get some quiet and work done.
I’m desperate for a real partner and business partner.
I need help delegating tasks to my assistant.
And I feel as if it’s over already. A few weeks ago I was bleeding in what seemed like a period but was extremely heavy and disgusting, just kept coming. I thought it was a miscarriage and I was in extreme pain. He literally sat there while I flipped out.
I went upstairs to pack a hospital bag and felt it leak through and just cried for thirty minutes.
The next day the doctor said it was stress.
Turns out it was my iud lodged in my uturus.
I got it removed, but I woke up with cold sweats and extreme pain.
I may have an infection.
I am so fucking over this shit.
I just want someone to understand my needs sometimes. I am always doing everything myself.
I just had to vent because I feel like there is no point in doing all of this when I DID EVERYTHING I FUCKING COULD TO GET HERE.
I will succeed though, and I will make it. Even if it means I need to leave the best relationship I’ve ever had. I’ve lived in this fantasy land for too long- like me saving his life was going to make him appreciate me more, and this was some cool story with a nice ending. There is no marriage coming, his daughter is not mine, and I am going to help change the lives of other’s on my own. My business advisor got a job in california and has been extremely busy so I paid out a couple hundred for no reason. But I learned a lot, and got the sober house running for him. I hope he runs it with hopes of helping them and not just making rent. They need help in many areas, but he has to learn that. I wish I could trust him to run it right, but I have already seen the lack of caring for them or what they need. I don’t want to throw him out, but I believe I will have to at this point.
Okay, I am going to try and reset now that I wrote these frustrations down:
My center will survive with or without my fiancee.
I will be just fine if we do not work out and my dreams may flourish.
I will be able to leave this state if it does not work out.
I can spend more time with my daughter.
I can find someone who truly loves me after I learn to work through my insecurities.
I can be free to light the fire of my dreams with the help of people who truly want the same as I.
This center will help many people find the best version of themselves.
I will regain myself and thank the people of my past for their lessons.
I will not let my emotions destroy me if he leave’s and never comes back.