Ive always wanted to be the woman thats wanted. Ive always wanted to be swept away. I used to fantasize about my man lifting me from the ground and taking me to make love. Him not being able to keep his hands,eyes, and mind off me. Him setting up a date night where he seduces me by a candle light dinner. But as I get older, ive started to see that if that actually happens it only happens to the wealthy, beautiful people. It doesn’t happen to the poor with scars and physical flaws.
I’ve planned dates, ive made “costumes”, done things I really wasnt into, ive put so much effort into keeping the flames ablaze and fulfilling the fantasies. No ones ever left me a note to put on this dress and be ready by 8, no one’s ran me a bubble bath, no ones ever faught to keep me, and not once has anyone taken me out to propose. Its always just been an I want to marry you and here is a ring.
This tells me that I’m not worth it. Even my “best friend” hasn’t reached out to me in months, my family hasnt seen me in 2 years and weve only spoke 3 or 4 times, so I dont believe anyone would miss me if I vanished. Or even notice in gone. The man I love sleeps while I’m awake, he doesnt hold me, we dont go out, he doesnt take care of me when I’m sick and this is the nest relationship ive ever had. So being the common denominator in every shitty step, science sais its an easy determination that I am the root cause of the shit. So why I am here, holding onto the life thats never offered me anything?
Please dont judge, I’m hard working, I can be fun (or so I’m told), and id like to think that overall I’m at least a 6 out of 10 on the beauty scale, I’m independent, loving, unmaterialistic, genrous, supportive, kind, thoughtful, empathetic and sympathetic. I can cook, and work on vehicles, and even have been told my sex is the best everyone had/has ever had. So what is wrong with me that I’m not worth anything to anyone?
Ive been engaged 5 times, I’m almost 30, and every single relationship stopped while I kept going, fighting, trying, changing myself, and I begged and gotten nothing but abuse, or left with the void. I don’t get it. And I’m all alone, and I’m running out of the fuel that has kept my fire going. Maybe that’s what’s supposed to happen? My fire burn out and I become a boring, numb, robot like vassal that used to house my soul.