Confused, alone and lost

Wow its been 9 years since I have written in this forum.  I am not sure what made me seek this place out again, all I know is I needed too.  I missed this place and the community I found here.  It is different now, but I just needed to place my thoughts somewhere as pathetic as they are about to sound I just needed to be heard.  I am about to be 35 years old and I am struggling like I never thought I would.  The vision I had for my life is not what my life has become.  I understand that life happens and it can’t always go the way you would like it to, but this is not at all where I wanted to be.  I have allowed fear to rule my life.  I have allowed others to dictate my life, I have allowed myself to make poor decisions and I have allowed myself to become who I am.  I am an amazing person, and the potential for my life to be amazing is there, but I can’t seem to reach it.

I always felt that by now i would have met someone great, gotten married, started a family and have my career intact, but I have found none of that.  I refuse to be like many others who have settled for a mediocre love.  I won’t settle because others feel at this time of my life that I should be married.  Its not that I don’t want to be, because I would give anyting to meet that one person, I just have not been lucky in that department.

As for my career, I am still working on that.  I am just so afraid of failure, because it seems to be all I am good at is failing at everything I try.  I am tired of being so unhappy.  I just can’t seem to figure it out.

I have accepted life alone.  I have accepted that the time for me to have children has almost past, as devestating as that is to accept, I don’t have a choice.  No one in my life understands where I am coming from, because no one in my life has ever had to deal with not finding a signifant other, not being able to allow my body to do what its meant to do like having children, no one has had to get by entirely on their own, with no partner to turn to.  I am struggling so bad these days it scares me.

I am in a very dark place and I don’t know how to get out.  Its been a long time since I have been in this place and its a place I never thought i would be again.  I do feel and hope that I will get through this, I always do, but right now I am slowly dieing inside and I am afraid of what will be left when I do finally figure out how to crawl out of this dark hole i have fallen into.  I will just keep trying to pull myself out of this hole and see where I end up.  I think at this point that is my only option.

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