I Miss Him

Recently i have been thinking a lot about my former best friend.  He meant the world to me, and its been two years since i have seen or spoken to him.  He was a huge part of my life in so many ways and many people never understood our relationship.  He came into my life when things weren’t that great, and i was dealing with a lot in my life.  We dated for a short time, only 7 months and then i broke it off because the attraction wasn’t there.  Everything else about him was perfect, he was the the perfect guy in every way and their were times i wished so much that i was attracted to him, but it was just not there. We moved into a good friendship and for 4 years after that we were best friends……… more like family.  He was there for every big thing in my life and i was there for every big thing in his life.  We were parts of each others family, and were inseperable. 

2 years ago, on my birthday he ended our friendship.  About 2 months before that, he started dating a girl.  It was hard for me to accept her because she was taking him from me, but i wanted him to be happy so i did.  My birthday came up and we had plans to go out just the two of us like we did every year and she didn’t like that.  She wanted to come with us and i didn’t want her to because this was something for just him and i.  She wouldn’t accept that and basically told him he needed to stop being friends with me and he did.  It hurt so bad that he could just walk away from me like it didn’t matter, like i didn’t mean anything to him.  All of a sudden i was getting emails about how much he hated me, and that the last 5 years of his life were the worst ever because i was his friend.  I can’t describe the pain i felt from this.  I felt like i had just had my heart broken from the love of my life.  I had been with my first love for over 3 years and this hurt more then when i lost my first love. 

I fell into a depression for a little while, but having so much family support got me through it.  I don’t think about him as much anymore, but sometimes i will hear a song, or come across a picture, or something will happen to trigger a memory of him, and i get a little sad.  For the most part i am really happy right now.  A lot of things keep going wrong in my life but i have learned how to deal with them and move forward.  But lately i have really been missing him.  I wonder how he is doing, i wonder what he is doing and i sometimes wish he was still here.  I think a part of me will always wonder and will always miss him.

I sent him an email not even a year ago, kind of like a closure thing for me.  I don’t know if he ever got it or not.  It hurts so bad to remember how easliy he walked away, to remember how quickly he hated me all of a sudden and i didn’t understand where that came from.  Saying i should pay him for the pain and suffering of being my friend for so long, that i played games with him, that i wasn’t a good friend.  I almost believed it for awhile.  but i know i was a good friend.  I was there for everything. I never turned my back on him like he did to me.  I don’t know, its hard missing him so much.  I know i don’t need him, i know that i’m an awesome person and i dont need him in my life, but i want him in my life, and even though i havnen’t seen or talked to him in 2 years, it feels like yesterday when we were heading out to our favourite place, or going to see another movie, or having one of our weird talks about what we would do if zombies ever happened or i was calling him in tears because he was the first person i thought of to call.  I know i will always miss him, i know a part of my heart will always have him in it but i also know i will be ok.  It sucks sometimes to miss people, but i think that everyone that comes in and out of your life makes you who you are and i don’t regret one min spent with him, because he helped mold me into this wonderful woman i am now.  He was a huge part of my life and i will always miss him.

I love you Brett, i miss you and i will never forget you and i know deep down inside a part of you misses me too.

I’m going to bed.  Goodnight


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