sometimes when I don’t write.

…it’s because I have nothing to say.

How many times can I say that my husband’s lack of employment (and this new “fake job”) is an utter disaster?

How many times can I say how overwhelmed and sick I feel?

How many times can I say how I don’t know which end is up anymore?

I can’t.

It gets redundant.

What I can say is that I got my new schedule for my next set of PhD classes.  Four classes.  FOUR.  I read the syllabus for each class and died a little inside.

I don’t mean that – you must understand.  I DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS.  Who am I?  I’m smart.  This isn’t self deprecation.  This isn’t me saying “I can’t do this because I really want everyone to say that I can”.  This isn’t some cry to under promise and over deliver.

I have never seen material so difficult.

Har har har, well it’s a PhD, you moron, what did you think you were doing, TV/VCR repair?

I KNOW.  At least, I thought I knew.  (Wouldn’t it be funny if there was still TV/VCR repair?  I’m so old because I remember that shit on TV. Okay, that was random)

I thought I knew. I am smart! I can maybe do this. I  am borrowing a ton of money to do this.

I think I might fail.  This is why I won’t tell anyone.  I won’t say it out loud.  I am going to fail; I think I know it and if I don’t tell anyone then no one will know that I washed out after 2 semesters of my PhD program.  It will be a secret.  I still have a master’s, I’m still smart.

Meanwhile, I am three weeks away from facing my own sibling in court for her brutal attack on me.  I am dealing weekly with paperwork related to the various court cases.  My family is shattered.  My life is shattered; I don’t even know where we are going to live. I don’t know what is going to happen with my husband’s job.  Or mine. Or anything.  Why, WHY is life so disjointed right now?  Where is the meaning in that?

Please, God, I  need to find stability and meaning in things.  I need things to quiet down.  I need to have faith that I can do this PhD work. I need my husband to have his good, stable employment.  I need things to settle down.

Log in to write a note
February 22, 2018

Worrying is like trying to chew bubble gum to solve a math equation. It doesn’t do any good. Everything will sort it self out, and you will look back one day and it won’t seem so crazy.

Of course your PhD courses are difficult, if they were easy everybody and their mother would have one. If you want to succeed, you will succeed. If you think you will fail, you will fail. Put your mind to it, study hard and focus and it will pay off in the end.

Good Luck. 🙂