GOODBYE ——–Sometimes it’s hard

THE LOOP HOLE!

So I’m editing to write an entry in an entry if anyone looks. I did not realize that this new version of open diary was going to be pay to play 100% And so I’m not here anymore unless i somehow magically find out that changes. SO if you want to find me I’ll be over on http://www.ProseBox.net as Sojourn https://www.prosebox.net/box/4363/ <–that should take you to my diary there. So been well 30ish days as that’s all that’s free here. Enjoy if you write enough to pay. I however don’t so again I say…….. So long…

*****ORIGINAL ENTRY ****

So I know I just wrote. But as I’m sitting here in bed trying to tell myself it’s just my depression and anxiety acting up I thought I would write and maybe it would help.

So what is the issue? The fact that what is now the 18th is my birthday? 37 if you felt curious to how old I am now. I guess I’m feeling unloved. Which really isn’t fair… the drunk guy laying next to me would say he loves me. I just guess I wish he would show it more… in the I’d like to be doing something in bed that wasn’t sleeping way. The I feel like even drunk him no longer seems to find me worth the time…. I mean we are older I don’t expect to do -it- every night but seem like once every 3 months or so if I’m lucky. I don’t get it… I miss having lots of sex. And it makes me feel unwanted that we don’t have it a bit more. Like as my depression and anxiety would tell me I’m to fat blah blah blah. Maybe it bothers me cause I’ve only been with him… so the idea of the one person who actually wanted to be with me not wanting me is…. irrational and gives me the cries for no reason. Wish I could blame having irrational issues on my female time but had that recently so no dice there.

Maybe I’m more upset because I’ve been doing so good lately not having breakdown moments. And I know more often then not I’m just being irrational tho it doesn’t change the feeling  -sigh-

I don’t know why it’s so bad tonight. Tried relaxing breathing didn’t help and I can’t seem to fully quiet the stupid you’re worthless why would anyone love you voice that likes to yell in my head sometimes…

Just sucks sometimes ya know. Not really sure if writing it out helps… Maybe I’ll watch some tv. Not like anything would wake Steve up now anyhow…

Guess I’m done for now

Sorry if there are weird auto correct typos I did write this in my phone…

Sojourn