E-mail

Right, I’m sure you all have a voyeuristic side and there’s no way I’m going to write anything coherent about anything but Heather right now, so here’s a simple copy and paste job. I think just because I’m dying for someone to read this and respond to it and I don’t know when Heather will get a chance to.
 
Dear Heather,
 
I don’t know how long it will be before you read this e-mail, but here goes.
 
I’m going to try to be frank, fairly or unfairly. I admit, right now, I feel like you’ve abandoned me. My gut instinct is to want to abandon you back, but that doesn’t work very well seeing as you’re already well into the process of moving on from me, and the idea of “abandoning you back” is childish (if natural) anyway.
 
I know that telling you this is in a sense counterproductive, because you’re living a very happy life right now and when I say things like “I feel like you’ve abandoned me” obviously it’s going to make you feel bad about yourself which is going to make you unhappy . . . and then your natural response is going to be to avoid the source of your unhappiness, which is me. I don’t want to be the thing that is bringing you down in your life – I feel like I’ve already filled that role enough. I’m sorry that this is all hard for me. I didn’t expect all of this to happen so soon. I think you forget that it was me you were kissing 4 months ago. And things evolved quickly from an unrequited crush on a boy to a full-fledged relationship, from my perspective.
 
At any rate, you don’t make things worse by talking to me about your relationship with Thomas (if anything, the thing I’m probably most sad about is the fact that I hardly ever talk to you). I mean, honestly, if I’m hurting, I’m hurting over what’s happening, not you telling me about it – and if we’re going to remain friends at all then I think I’m going to figure out what’s happening with you and Thomas sooner or later, hah. I don’t want you to hold back with me or feel like you need to. Certainly don’t do it because you’re trying to be good to me or nice to me. It isn’t benefiting either of us, and I really enjoy hearing how things are going in your life still (and hopefully you still enjoy telling me).
 
I will ask this of you: Don’t judge me for the route I take with my life from here on out. Right now your absence has left a void in my life, and I feel like I may have to meet it in ways that I don’t necessarily think are ideal, but may be the only solution to getting past this. Understand, I’m not trying to place blame on you for anything – any actions I take are my choice and I take full responsibility for them. I don’t believe that you have treated me poorly in any way and I still don’t begrudge you for anything. You’ve been good to me, Heather. But I have reached a point in my life where I am simply unhappy and feel very alone. I have to satisfy the needs that I have in some way or things aren’t going to get better. Just remember that, no matter what, I’m still the same Matt, even if I do change a little.
 
I feel like I’m writing you a goodbye letter, and I don’t want to be. But I think the fact is what I’m writing is turning into a goodbye letter because you’re already gone and I’m trying to get a proper goodbye in before you forget about me and what we were. I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in the present and that 4 months was an eternity ago for you, nevermind 16 months ago. But don’t forget about what we had and what a special person you were and always will be to me. I honestly don’t believe I will ever have a relationship anything like the one you and I had ever again. And, again, I know how easy it is to get caught up in the present relationship and how quickly memories fade. But the two of us had something very unique, something that you or I will probably never experience again exactly, since we’re unlikely to come across such a special set of circumstances again or a person who fits us in that same way again. I don’t know the course your life is going to take from this point forward, but I am willing to bet there will be rough points along the way when things aren’t as glorious as they are now. Know that I will be here when that time comes – I don’t mean that in a cheesy romantic sense. I only mean to say, even if this is turning into a bit of a goodbye letter, it isn’t intended to be a go away letter. I still love you and I’m always here for you.
 
Please, more than anything, don’t remember me or my relationship with you with sadness. Our relationship has been so volatile for so long, that sometimes I think we lose sight of the good times that we really had together. So, when you think of me, think of pogo sticks and Sorry, think of endless laughter and big hugs, think of how our feelings matured and evolved, and think of how much I loved you and how much you loved me.
 
And, hey, just remember to think of me sometimes.
 
Still,

<span style="FONT-SIZE: 1

0pt”>Matt