In my last entry, I mentioned my relationship and at that time I was working through projections. Things did get better momentarily.
I have some pretty significant milestones coming up in the next 5 weeks:
My birthday, turning 38
One year since I started dating
One year since the Divorce was final
Apartment hunting becomes actionable
I’m now approaching the period where therapists say individuals are ready for a sincere relationship or it’s been going on for a couple of months now. When does something like that start anyway?
Also, how does one prepare for the next meaningful relationship when there are bound to be a litany of triggers that will create a history that wouldn’t otherwise happen? To counter my own point, it’s not as though the triggers are resolved after happening a single time. There are quite a few that would take another person. I was fairly meticulous about dating at the beginning of my new life. I signed up for an app and then reflected on it. I looked internally to see how I felt about some of the first profiles I viewed. I knew my first date was going to be weird and I would crush hard. I still underestimated the degree. I’ve gone places that I went with my ex and then followed that with a journal entry about what happened and how I felt.
These are helped by going through one milestone already which was one-year from filing for Divorce.
I am bound, determined to see my own patterns, and address them. It was humbling in one of my sessions to say, “usually I’m the master of patterns, yet I can’t spot my own.” I thought I needed help and I will for some things that happen.
My inspiration is the recent event of breaking up with my girlfriend. We met in August 2021 and broke up a couple of times before last night. I endured her putting words in my mouth to my daughter. She gave me an ultimatum about moving in together three months ahead of time. As a recovering alcoholic she hid alcohol from me. I called her out on lies, bluffs. I watched videos and saw pictures of her exes. Heck – she still had clothes of theirs in the closet and personal belongings in the nightstand I slept next to when I stayed the night. And she wants to get bent out of shape when I made a false accusation or spotted an empty bottle of vodka in a bag of garbage. The bag was in her closet – she didn’t even dispose of it properly. She ditched me on multiple occasions. She accused me of being judgmental. It was toxic. It was also cathartic.
I hope the next relationship is more fulfilling. If not, what’s the point of all this work? Worth mentioning, I’m playing catch up after being in a 14-year relationship. Hopefully, it only takes this one sincere relationship to get my mind right. I’m a quick study; patterns, Afterall.