On Being Exhausted (and) System Commentary 03/26/2021
I feel exhausted, tired, frustrated, like I let my classmate down. Had class today and we were supposed to give coaching sessions. I feel I botched like half of it; the other half just went okay. I feel like maybe we didn’t jive.
Talked to a friend who was also frustrated, which compounded on my frustrations. Then hubby had to leave the house and go run some errands, so I couldn’t really get a break between watching my son and the dogs (who are a handful themselves).
My entire body hurts. My neck, shoulders, back, legs, feet, head – everything. It’s like I’m in this vortex of pain and suffering.
Maybe I’m not ready for this. I took off two months of work because I need the break, and here I am going full force with everything again. I wanted to sleep ALL DAY. Didn’t know if I’d make it. At one point, I felt like bowing out. But I decided to stick through it.
And here I am, writing and wanting to do an art piece. As Cathartic as it is, maybe I just need to sleep. But I know that would just be an escape from my feelings…
I don’t want to be like my mom, sleeping all the time around my son.
System commentary:::
Jennifer: You’ll be a sh- mom if you do that.
James: I agree with her.
Jennifer: You screwed up that session. You know why it happened.
Trish: It’s because she’s supposed to be on break!
Jennifer: They were so close to finding out our secret. You even referred to us as ‘we’. How more obvious can you get? You can’t just go around telling everyone!
Trish: I didn’t ‘tell’ anybody! I was supposed to have some modicum of honesty, so there I was.
Adam: For once, I want to sleep.
Trish: We can’t go to sleep, Adam. People expect things from us.
Ezo: You’re worthless. Everyone knows it now.
Jennifer: Ezo is right. So worthless.
Trish: Shut up, both of you! I don’t want to hear about that anymore!
Adam: I still want to sleep…
Trish: That’s unlike you, Adam. Are you depressed?
Adam: Probably.
Trish: But we have to get back to work. We can’t operate like this. We can’t support our family like this.
Amanda: I agree, we have to support the family.
James: How do we take care of ourselves though while also taking care of everyone else?
Adam: Is that even possible anymore?
Trish: … I don’t know.
James: Something’s gotta give.
Trish: Like what, James? We can’t just quit working. We can’t just not have income coming in.
Adam: I’m tired of everything …
Trish: Right. Adam, you’re definitely depressed. And we only have two more days of class. We can do this, you guys.
Jennifer: You’re in it by yourself, then, chica. Good luck with your screw-up a**.
Angela: I’m enjoying this new art thing. Let’s do an art piece.
Trish: Sounds good to me. Way better than continuing to have this conversation.
There you have it. That’s how the system feels. (See “System Commentary” entry if confused.)
Anyway, guess I’m off to do an art piece, even though my entire body hurts. *sigh*.