Idk what’s wrong

TW: mention of self harm and suicide

I don’t know if I should be in this group. And if I shouldn’t then I’ll leave straight away but I do know there’s something wrong with me. I’ve never been to a doctor or a therapist because only three people know and they think it ended long ago and wasn’t that big to begin with.

I’ve been self harming, mainly on my hips and legs but no one’s really seen because of covid and not going to beaches. It stopped for a bit but recently it’s gotten a lot worse. I’m really scared someone’s going to notice or find out.

Yesterday I tried to commit suicide. I was so stupid thinking it was going to work. I was completely at peace and well prepared, I’d planned it all out and gotten everything sorted. We didn’t have any sleeping pills so I’d collected as many random pills and vitamins. I never cut on my arm, so it won’t be seen. But I cut then and on my wrist but my blade.wasn’t strong enough to completely split it. So I took a whole pencil case of random pills like paracetamol and ibuprofen and random ones I don’t know the name too. I also took a whole pill bottle of vitamin D. It didn’t work though an  I could tell it wasn’t working so I simply threw my soaking clothes in the wash, drained the bath and went to bed. The pills that were meant to kill me only left me with a stomach ache.

I had two tests the next day which went alright, and I just had to keep pretending everything’s fine. Teachers are asking for work that I’m months behind on and reports are soon and I’ve reached rock bottom yet I’m still sinking.

I want to go to the doctor and for them to diagnose me with anything because I feel so guilty for feeling this way when people have it way worse. And I’ve no idea why I’m feeling this way. My life may not be the best but it’s better than others.

My mum is one of the three people that know. She was the first to find out, she saw some scarrs. I didn’t get help though because she didn’t want it going on my medical records and something about university. I tried to open up once, that I’ve been feeling like this for years before I started self harming. mainly due to all the shouting in the house. She basically told me that I was wrong and its because of social media and its made me fake. She keeps telling me it’s due to social media but it’s actually helped me and its the only way to contact my friends. And now I’m literally all alone because I just don’t really get alone with my younger sister and older brother. They just spend their time shouting at each other and ignoring me. I get on with my older sister but she stormed out and is at university in London. And my mum always lectures us when she’s mentioned or makes us feel bad. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mum. She’s a single mum of four but we used to be really close and now we’re not. She makes me feel even guiltier for not being enough by talking about ho much she’s given up for us. And how she’s exhausted with us and how spoilt and lazy we are.

I’ve had to keep many people company when they’re done and close to relapsing. This one friend I’ve had to talk out of suicide multiple times when we were 11. I promised my best friend that we’d have cut because we’d seen what it had done to our friends. But now I’m breaking our promise in every possible way.

I sometimes have these “attacks”. I don’t know what they are so I call them that. It’s like I’m drowning and I can’t breathe and no matter how many breaths I take, there’s no air. And I have to cause  myself pain somehow to prove I’m still okay I guess. I’ll tug at my hair and scratch at my arm. It’s like I’m trying shed this body and break free.

And whenever I go out its like everyone’s staring at me but I can’t tell if it’s all in my head anymore. I can’t concentrate and I’m failing many classes. Some days I’ll count every bite I’m eating and exercise through the night and others I’ll stuff myself on chocolate and sweets and feel so guilty. Literally all my friends have either faced eating disorders and depression or are facing it and I don’t want to burden them. So I guess that’s why I’ve come here, I’ve got no one to turn to and some part of me wants help. I want someone to tell me that it’s all going to be okay even if it’s not.

In my head, I can’t help but wonder  if I’m just an attention seeker. Maybe that’s all it is and this is all fake. I can’t tell anymore. I don’t let it show everything I’m going through and my thoughts. But maybe this is some subconscious attention seeking scam. Attention from whom is unclear. Do I want people to know, no. So am I just an attention seeker or not?

Sorry for my rant and if it was too much and if it didn’t make any sense. I wouldn’t be brave or open enough to.say this in real life. Thank god for anonymous online blog sites haha.

sorry if I should just leave this group


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February 25, 2021