Different year, same setbacks.

I am told that all I do is complain. That I am constantly negative.  I don’t know WHAT I am anymore. Just when I think I have everything all figured out, somehow I don’t. It would appear that the toxic person in my life has always been/will always be me. Or maybe I am just not capable not being loved the way I love.  I have lost myself somehow along the years. I look in the mirror, and don’t even recognize myself anymore. It isn’t just the fluctuation of my weight ( UP, DOWN, every other week) it’s that I don’t SEE DANI in that reflection anywhere.  I have loaded stress onto my plate in the last year that I thought perhaps I could handle. I was wrong.  SO MUCH has happened to me. SO MUCH. I have been on a roller coaster of emotion and I went through a two year long divorce/separation, ultimately falling in love with a man I am convinced is my soul mate, but I can’t seem to stop bumping heads with him at literally ever turn. We married a month ago and every night has been awful since.  We own a business together, his mother thinks I have a drug and alcohol addiction…( I don’t …like…at all?!). I am losing everything faster than I can blink because the bar is slow….so far in debt I wish I could look at past Dani and help guide her….I am in such a different place than I ever thought I would be…

It was yesterday I was 15 and typing vigorously how I wondered what my future would be like. Here it is….I am almost 35. The past 30 years have gone by in a blink of en eye. I am failing everywhere in life. I suck at making/keeping friends.  I don’t follow through on my goals. I am going to lose the man who I truly believe changed my life and taught me how to trust again, only to turn him bitter because he hates who I am at the end of the day. It was just too good to be true.  All I have ever been, and probably all I ever will be is depressed.

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