Where Will You Be When You’re Not Here This Time Last Year
[this was written in August, 2021]
Grief is heavy Funny how I can’t put down something I never wanted
Maybe I need the pain
We must embrace pain and use it as fuel for our journey. — Kenji Miyazawa
l didn’t survive the loss of Woody
I remain after he gone
I’m still screaming “NOOOOO!”
It’s been 430 days and my insides are inconsolable
Death ends a life, not a relationship. — Amy Greene
I’m pretty sure that griet is something ll never get on the other side of
I believe it’s now part of my journey A road am always walong, but not a destination I reach
Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. — Alexis Carrel
Woody loved me for the rest of his life. I am going to honor hien quietly and out loud for the rest of mine
Im not trying to make a saint of him because he died
So much happens in 20+ years
We endured a lot together We endured each other
We tried giving up more than once
We overcame obstacles we never ever thought we’d go through, only to allow some other hardship to trip us up
Our love took work, and I didnt always want to be on the clock
Neither did he
Woody loved me, though
And so, he stayed
I loved him no matter what
And so, stayed How precious for me to have loved him until death did part us
I’m still struggling
It’s like I keep wrapping the torment around me like a blanket, and I’ve been curled up in it for all this time
Enlightenment was Woodys thing
I’m not sure how proud he’s been of me this past year
I was dreading the cne-year anniversary was terrified to lose hen all over again
It came on August 27th
Up until that point, I had memories with him there, even though they began
with “This time last year”
After August 27th, this time last year was no more
Woody wasn’t there.
I’ve been fighting so hard with letting him go that I haven’t laughed and smiled about him much
It’s like I want to stay sad because smiling about him would be a betrayal
We had so many “know what mean? across the room looks for when we needed or wanted to communicate without speaking out loud
He knew me I knew him
He should be celebrated, and I know that
The stupidest and goofiest things pap in my head and just burst with laughter
The laughter morphs into uncontrollable bawling You, Ike a scene from a movie about a bat ahit crazy woman
I think to myself, “how can you laugh
These memories have sharp edges now
It’s not funny!
But, yes it was Woody thought so too
We laughed so much together.
When I suffocate that laughter with tears, I’m not remembering Woody in the light where he belongs
He wasn’t made of sunshine and honeysuckle, but I cannot count the times he made me feel joy and happiness I haven’t been sure how to feel happy things about him
I’ve been afraid that I might accidentally let him go if i didn’t hurt for the thought of him
I can’t stop carrying this grief
And don’t want to
I dont align myself with any understanding for laying down I wil, however, laugh out loud when want to
When his memory makes me smile, I’m going to smile. I miss him every day
He altered me
I almost don’t remember me before him
I don’t know me without him
Woody, you beautiful, ugly sweet, mean man My heart is a constant ache from bleeding you