5 months

Today its been 5 months.

I have been through SOOO much in 5 months it shocks me.

I have been through many big changes in my life, but of course this tops it in a way i never could have imagined.

I still play that day over and over and over in my head.

T2 thinks you may have had multiple small heart attacks that day or even that weekend and just werent telling anyone.

Even to this day barklay REFUSES to sit in the front passenger seat of the car. This 80lb fatty will stand on the console with all 4 feet to not touch the passenger seat, that was always his spot.

Something happened there.

Smokie and Barklay actually started going nuts that friday. To the point t2 and i were checking the moon phase and seismic activity because they were driving us nuts.

And you werent a cat person. Ever

And smokie kept laying with you and wanted to be petted.

Sometimes i wonder if there will ever be a day i dont re play that day in my mind.

I remember when you ran to the store and said “hey you know i kind of dont feel good right now” and you were so pale. Almost gray. Blue? Already dieing?

I do remember when i was on the phone with 911 and was counting your breathing to them and you took your last breath, you never really “turned blue”

My dads hands were blue.

My moms lips and tongue were blue.

You didnt turn blue.

But when the EMTs got here, you did have a faint pulse.

My cpr at least did that.

It BLOWS my mind what the last 5 months have brought me.

And i did alone.

And it blows my mind how in the world my mom did this.

Plus my clutch.

I recieved a free dresser the other day. A beautiful huge dresser.

And i looked around my home.

I got the washer and dryer from L when our dryer finally broke. I got the microwave from K when that finally broke. The sleeper sofa couch from A.

The donated money got immediate bills and the car paid off.

I am so blessed and those blessings rode me through the craziest point of time i have been through yet.

Its Good Friday. All Ms kids will be here tonight when i get off work. Lets see if i can get from 6:11 pm to 7:20 pm without having a panic attack. Once i thought being at work would help. Nope. I glanced at the clock, saw the time and had a full blown panic attack.

I dont see how one second two people can be joking around and smirking at each other and one goes to change cloths and one goes to hang up laundry and its over forever.

Three times. You turned your face to look at me. Our eye contact is forever burned in my memory. My photo in my mind, i pray i never lose. 1st look maybe fear. 2nd look love. 3rd look peaceful love.

6:11 i called 911. 6:20 i called z, meaning emts were finally there. 720 in the ER with all your children and grand babies surrounding your bed, the dr nodded at me, i dont know if i nodded back. I dont know what i did. I just remember M painfully screaming  “no no no” and the dr called it

And T2 dropping at your side screaming  I was JUST talking to you Dad!!

We were with you.

We were all with you

No hesitation

And you saw us. I know you saw the whole thing.

And your at peace, man.

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March 29, 2018

I am so very sorry for your tremendous loss.  What you’ve written is just beautiful.  Thank you for sharing it with us.

March 29, 2018

@wildrose_2 thank you. Bless your day

March 29, 2018

I read this thinking about my dad’s last hours a month and a half ago. Everyone has very different relationships with those they lose, but the shock is unique and strong and hard to recover from, even when (like me) you see it coming for a year to prepare. I had an urge to make sense of death (and by correlation life since it ends in death) but I found it frustratingly impossible so I’m trying to not focus on it at all now.  Obviously billions of people have gone through the same or similar for millenia, yet it feels like a new discovery.  I’m sorry for your loss.

March 29, 2018

@trueconfessions_1 thank you for your words. Yes its all different. The impact of losing a spouse and father of your children was more horrific than losing my mom or dad or brother

March 29, 2018

@hankskisses I’m certain of that, by orders of magnitude, in a way I can never grasp

March 29, 2018

so very sorry for your loss. we all can go at anytime cherish what you have.

March 29, 2018

@sugar2001 beautiful

March 29, 2018

I know how much you loved that man, even through your most trying times.

March 29, 2018
March 29, 2018

Reliving the experience is par for the course. I am so glad you can write it out. You are surrounded by love and faith. I know that doesn’t change the feeling of loss but it can help cushion the blows that just roll in and out every day. Love you xo

March 29, 2018

@paprika_1 😁

March 29, 2018

April 1, 2018