ok……Trevor and i are……
STAYING TOGETHER! and that makes he happy because honestly i havent been able to sleep the last 2 nights 😛
so heres why (not why i couldnt sleep , thats obvious, but why we are staying together) eh hem
so this morning i dropped off his present at his house and then went on my christmas shopping trip with megan at the mall! i was very successul and didnt forget a single person i needed to get gifts for! so i came home and we started getting ready to go to the nuttracker in seattle! we were all getting dressed really nice so i decided to wear my green m and m dress (i call it that because its green and shiny silk and makes me look like the sexy m and m or whatever) any who it made me look christmasy and cute and i got to wear my new button up black and white stiched cropped sleeve jacket with a cute colar over it. and my new jessica simpson black high heels with the leopard print platform and heel! i had my hair up in a half style boufont too ^_^ yes i know i looked good. any who while i was getting ready rachel said "hannah trevors here" and i was freaking out because i didnt know what to say to him and i was nervous, but i came out and he said he wanted to talk, just for a minute. thing is i had been thinking, i had 2 days and a half to think and i had already decided what i wanted but i was gone all day and he was too so i couldnt talk to him, any who this was the only time i could talk to him before i left so we went around the corner to their connected apartment and we talked. well actually he wanted to talk to me first. i listened. this is really what made my decision. Before he talked i felt the way i wrote, that he was waaaaay in love with me and would probably be more hurt down the road if i left him then than now, and so on and so on.
but instead he told me this. he said that after having 2 days to think he realized everything he had done wrong in our relationship to make me come to the conclusions i told him about. number one, he didnt mean to make me feel bad for wanting to chase my dreams, but he did anyway by making comments like "yea i bet your going to become a model and have no time for me" he said it but it was a stupid thing to say because the truth was that he would never want me to give up my dreams for him, that would not make himo happy one bit! number two, he was never faced with an ambitious independent girl like me and realized pretty quick that our relationship would most likely end as soon as i am ready to chase my dreams and careers or whatever comes my way. he knew from a while back that most likely what we had between us wouldnt last. and then i asked him "so then why stay with me when you know im going to leave later on anyway? instead of finding someone you can be sure will be there for you and commit to makeing it work?" he replied that even if its only for a little while, or a year or however long it will last, he needs me right now and im good to have around, and im his friend also, someone he can talk to and confide in, he wasnt ready to lose that, in any case he was ready for what may happen and willing to be with me for as long as he can, even if he doesnt get sex. he said he would rather be with me with no sex than be having sex with girls he obviously doenst want to be with. it was all confusing to me and i still dont understand why he would want to be with me when we both know its only for however long it can last before i have to go. but i guess he was right when he said that it was stupid to end something before we can even predict things will get sour, than end it WHEN it gets sour. nad its stupid to base things off of time that doesnt exist for us yet. useless worrying on my part. i dont know. he said it would be like telling his highschool sweetheart before they dated that they couldnt date after all because he was sure that down the road they would no longer be together so they might as well not date….some logic but still???? i dont want to be like that. oh and the most important thing he explained to me after i told him that i dont love him as much as he is in love with me and dont love him enough to put him above my carreer, he told me that he didnt mean to mislead me with his feelings and that he had no intentions or thoughts about marriage or that i was "the one". and he certainly wasnt obsessed over me or anything. there wasnt a single journal entry of his with my name in it, no pictures of me in his room, no pictures of me on his cell, and whatever. he said the reason he says all those romantic things is just because its how he is and how he relates his feelings. he completely understands why i would feel guilty or undeserving after he said things and did things that made it seeme that he wanted some sort of fairytale relationship, but all along he knew better. and so, since he could still be with me, knowing everything he knew, i said what i had been wanting to say the whole time he was talking. that i missed him these past 2 days, havent been able to sleep, and just wanted so bad to give him a hug right now. and so we hugged and kissed and made up ^_^ and i guess now we wait until whenever. its a lot less stress for me this way. i dont feel tied down any more, and i also get my handsome man and my physical pleasure……hehehehe….eh hem, (cough cough) without having to worry about breaking his heart or really hurting him. yes im sure he will be hurt, but we talked all about it. right now we are good for each other and make each other happy, if we ended things now, neither of us would be happy and neither of us would be able to find another that would please them for a very long time. and if we eneded things, the reason would be because of my future and career and so i probably would not want another boyfriend for maybe years. kind of rediculous this whole thing. but it made sense in the end. well my fingers are getting kinda tired but im glad i got this all out. congrats to those who actually read it all haha. oh yea, the nutcracker ballet? for a 60 dollar ticket the ballet sucked. all the grouped dance routines were out of wack and their step timing was off. it was sort of sloppy and not professional. only ONE of the dancers captivated me and everyone else i talked to who have seen the show other times agreed! i wouldnt go again, when i want spectacular ballet, i expect spectacular ballet, especially for that price! just rediculous…..sigh.