Overthinking

It’s been 5 months since the day i left my country to moved to the USA, i can admit that i miss my hometown, i miss the place where i grew up where i had the most greatest memories. I’m trying to adapt everything in this country but it’s still hard for me. We’re going to celebrate Lunar New Year in 23 days and i wish i can fly back and have a best Lunar New Year with my family again, but life isn’t like that, is it? You have to put everything behind to prepare and forcus on your future. You know that you can do it, but sometimes you think you won’t make it through this difficult time.

I have a problem with thinking, what’s actually in my head, you know? In the 21st century, we call it “Overthinking”. Well…yea i’m overthinking, a lot!!! And it gets more negative when i can’t stop it, i like to think but when you think too much, it’s not fun or healthy at all. It’s going to kill you day by day with all those thoughts. For example, i can’t get past the thought that I’m a freak because of what happened in my past. (i’m not comfortable talking about my past, but one day when I’m ready, I’ll talk about it ). It clings to me like a leech, everyday, every minute, every second and i wish i can stop all the shit out of my head. I don’t want to be a negative person, i hate it when I bring negativity and drag everyone’s mood down just because my life is a mess. I love to make people smile, i think my life is too boring and if I continue to live in sadness I will soon meet my dead grandparents, you know!! I tried to commit suicide not once, but three times. The last time I tried to commit suicide was when my dad told me to my face that I was always causing division among others, i was holding a knife in a bathroom, ready to cut my hand and suddenly my phone rang, godmother is calling…. I picked up the phone and i just cried, she didn’t say anything but silence! When i stopped, she said:” Long time no see you cry, how does it feel?”, and i cried again.

Everyone say the beautiful words that our life is like a book, but clearly this book is not just for reading, it’s more than that. This book also includes a user manual, but no one bothers to read it. I did read it, and to be honest…i don’t understand anything at all. I don’t think I have bipolar disorder, you know. But one thing i know that sometimes, i can’t control my feelings. The first symptoms appeared when I was in church attending mass 10 years ago, i was so happy because I knew after mass I would meet my godmother. But suddenly i felt tired, i couldn’t breath, i just wanted get out of here, i struggled with the thought of staying or leaving as the mass was almost over. And when i couldn’t handle everything, i ran to my house, closed the door, i threw myself into bed and breathe in the air that i thought i would die without. After that day, it often appears without warning and it sucks!! And i think more and more that…maybe i am really a freak because a normal person would never have feelings like that, right? It’s not like when you have periods, you just feel tired for a day or two and then everything goes back to normal, but this? It’s gonna make you feel like empty, just empty. You don’t feel sad, you don’t feel…depression, you just feel…lost.

I don’t have much friends when i was in my hometown and when i came here, i go to school and i got so much love from my friends, and it makes me feel so warm and grateful. We come from many different countries, but in this class, we’re in the same country, right? Everybody visited my diary will know that i’m really into this girl in my class, the girl from Argentina. I made a decision last week, i told her that i like her. That was a big move, i know she’s “straight” and all i wanted at that moment was tell her my feelings i have with her. It’s not bad like i think, i didn’t force her to accept my feelings, i just think i don’t want to lie anymore, i feel bad when every day I meet her, and I’m not treating her like a friend because, in my heart, it’s not like a friendship. But when I decided to face her, I clearly determined that I did not want to lose this relationship, this beautiful and wonderful relationship! I’m thankful she didn’t make me feel like i was a freak, she wrote me back a letter, it was sweet and from that moment….i don’t wanna lose her. And because of her, i feel more happy, when she smiles…I feel even happier.

That’s why even i feel bad and lost when i woke up everyday, i don’t want to bring negative feelings to the class because I want to see her smile, and I want to see my friends smile, i can wear a mask, i can have a life of shit, but i know they have their problem, too. So, it’s okay with me if i can be their vitamins, at least everyone’s smiles make those thoughts temporarily go away.

Such a day with a lot of thoughts.