So much for intent

The following is intended for mature audiences only. Turns out they are so not my demographic, mature audiences. The following was not even intended as a thing. The age of bits and pieces of this range from the dotage of two weeks ago to fresh enough even the digital copy is wet with ink. Like the into, let me wash my hands and I’ll be right back.

It’s only been a few hundred years since we got inter galactic travel tech, maybe another fifty until we had pilots who didn’t need a helmet and a road map. The guys that were way ahead of us were kind of assholes. They’d like slow down and wave our ships over and when we were almost there, pop, they’d hit the juice and just were gone. We were pretty stoked when we found this planet that calls itself earth (heh, that’s our word for dirt). For the better part of the last hundred years, we’d abduct them, get them stoned and then put them back.

And, well, you know, boys will be boys, so there was bound to be some anal probing going on. I was watching an earth documentary the other day, I don’t think the locals are quite as cracked up as we are about our antics and shit. They have serious things to think about, like, Is Techno worse in the States or in Europe? Should I get that breast and/or penis augmentation? Is it really a crime if it’s only money, nobody gets really hurt and I don’t get caught? Our philosophers think the techno question must be a cultural thing, like one hand clapping, like the shittiest techno (low bar) wins in some kind of reverse pride. One of those guys, too, told me augmentation just meant size, they don’t do charisma, wit, charm but, sometimes, they bedazzle. The answer you always give authorities, universally, is “I didn’t do it”. If they believe it, either by good will or entrapment, then no, it isn’t a crime. On a more existential level; What? I don’t understand the question.

I talked to a lot of people yesterday, some of whom kind of questioned why we hadn’t met before, only one out-loud. I told them I had lived in Oregon most of my sister and brother in laws marriage, an absolute truth. Sometime during the day, not at the internment, I was either talking to or eavesdropping on someone talking about online dating, some site I’d never heard of. They were talking about profiles and how many more hits they got when they lied than when they told the truth. Like many conversations I had yesterday, I didn’t do much of the talking. I rarely talk when eavesdropping.

Two of my absolute best dates from personal ads came from ads that were neither lies nor the truth. The one I answered an ad that was something like Black Widow seeks meal. Heh, it was longer than that but did imply that if sex was involved she would bite her mates head off. The other was an ad I wrote, it was the personal ad equivalent of a Picasso cubist era painting. Somewhere in my life I heard someone looking at a Picasso cubist portrait and say “This one is broken.” The date I got from that one that was exceptional thought the whole thing was code for getting fucked up; she was, and probably still is, an alcoholic, but I liked her.

These are women I never would have dated had we just met accidentally somewhere and it was really unlikely that would have happened anyhow. I don’t mean I was out of my league, but, you know how they say opposites attract? Where the fuck is you supposed to meet these opposites? Without the promise of sex and knowing each were inherently going to be on their best behavior and probably lie about some shit, I can’t imagine if these women and I casually met that we wouldn’t just get into an argument. I’ve only ever dated one person that is definitely out of my league, and I’m still dating her. I think I’ve only dated one person where I was out of their league, that ended badly. I think my second wife thought most people were out of her league. She was mistaken. With the exception of the designated hitter, I’m not sure I think or care much about leagues. In every sense, though, if you’re in the game, you should have to take your at bat.

I had more bad personal ad experiences than good ones though, some funny enough to retell with a few drinks and the proper audience. I don’t think I ever met anyone from a dating site, and it’s not that I never tried, I didn’t try hard, and, yeah, filling in blanks I was probably a little to honest. I can’t recall be interested in any fill in the blank profiles either. It’s been a long ass time since I even thought about personal ads or dating profiles. This is not a portent, just reminiscing, based, possibly, on overhearing someone’s conversation with someone else.

Jesus Hopping Christmas, I think I’ve lost my ability to tell a tale. I think I even saved the immediately above shit to finish it and polish it. Like make it shinier, though I should have meant ‘polish it off’ like yesterdays birthday cake or a maiden aunt.

I guess this is kind of related so I’ll make it so, maybe get the bad taste out of my mouth. Personal ads used to have a lot of clichés. I don’t know if they still do, maybe, people didn’t realize how cliché they were being until they read a few dozen. Candlelit dinner and walks on the beach are probably the biggest ones, and you know, shit, even people who don’t like candlelit dinners or walks on the beach aren’t offended, you know, until they read a dozen or so. Soulmate is up there too. Somewhere in the top three is something like Is Seeking Smart and witty mate or I am smart and witty. The latter doesn’t make a case for smart and makes a case against witty. For shits sweet and savory sake, if smart and witty (I think they really mean funny. Witty is more tedious than funny and can pass off merely clever as humorous.) are real values, say something smart and or witty. Funny works better. There are two very good ways of making someone laugh; 1) Laugh, if you have a normal laugh people go into pack behavior, like with a yawn or applause. If you have an abnormal laugh people will laugh at your expense. 2) Say or do something funny. Hmmmm, there’s got to be more right?

If this doesn’t go up now it’ll just sit on the desktop and get bigger. Why don’t I just delete it? Huh, you think you’re smart and witty, but not the mature the prior intended.