A 1998 Entry (The Meaning of LIfe) a bitter one

Some say we’ll get our reward in the next life… but how do they know that for sure? — They don’t. They’re relying on the writings of a proven insane race of human beings who can’t seem to get anything right.

Now, don’t get me wrong… much as I hate to admit it, I believe in God, and even (shudder) in Jesus. I’m sorry… I don’t know why… indoctrination in my youth, desire to have something more… I don’t know. Never-the-less, organized religion has burned me more than a few times. Churches are filled with self-rightgeous, judgemental people, who have appointed themselves demi-Gods in translating the meaning of the Bible and dictating who and what others should or shouldn’t be. And to make it worse, if you disagree, they accuse you of being led by the devil. On the other hand, there are organized congregations who don’t seem to follow the Bible at all. They pick and choose the stuff they want for their church, then toss out the other (politically incorrect) doctrine. So who’s right? Probably none. Poor God is probably up there shaking his head at what a mess we are.

You know, I can’t even believe in miracles or prayer sometimes… even though, in my heart of hearts I guess I still do. I went to a book store just recently and listened to this man speak about his time in WWII in a concentration camp, etc. When he spoke he was very inspiring… “Don’t tell me there are no miracles!” he said, “Because I haff seen miracles… ” and he launched into a tale of how he prayed to his mother (who had been killed earlier) for help in a time of need and the help miraculously came. Cory Ten Boom, the famous Christian author, also experienced miracles in a concentration camp. She prayed… her sister prayed… and miracles happened. I wonder, though, about the millions that died. Didn’t they pray too? I’ll bet you 99.9% of the slaughtered prayed, some maybe even not believing their life was ending at this moment. Where was their miracle? Could it have really been just a random draw over who was saved and who wasn’t? And if prayer worked so well, why couldn’t they pray their way out of the concentration camp anyway???? They say God works in mysterious ways… ain’t that the truth!

Ah, but I’m sounding bitter and cynical… I probably am, but more than that I’m on a quest. Does ANYBODY have any answers?????

Yeah, I used to think that was the meaning of life… to have and raise children. Now, after living more than half of mine, I realize that was probably the cruelest thing I’ve ever done… bring innocent young babies into this f**ked up world. I’ve got one kid that’s struggling to make ends meet and is expecting a kid of her own… another who is spun around from a dysfunctional relationship, and a third who has juvenile diabetes (3-4 shots a day). I guess they’re glad to be here, though. I don’t think they’d trade their existance for non-existance — yet. Wait’ll they’re my age and they realize how like trapped hamsters we are… .running and running on that wheel but never making any headway. For my own life satisfaction having children was the center of my universe… they grow up though leaving a vacuum where there once was warmth. And if you really love them, you let them go. Believe me… that letting go thing hurts more than just about anything you’ll ever encounter but the least you can do for them after subjecting them to this mess called life is to let them live it without you screwing it up for them.

Oh please… need I even address that one. Please don’t tell me that your life revolves around your work unless you are Mother Teresa or maybe a doctor or therapist. If you’re into marketing, advertising, business… you’ll make me vomit.

The sick thing is that there actually are some people who are in those lines of work who do almost nothing but that… workaholics. I think that’s even more pathetic than the drunks collapsed in the gutters… at least they’re not wasting so much effort on something meaningless.

Ah… but let me back up here for a second… it’s money, isn’t it. They’re going to tell me that the money will buy them the things that give them pleasure… travel, toys, experiences.

So………… I guess that means that…

is the center of life… but that still doesn’t tell me the meaning of life, so we’re back at square one.