Here it begins…

I Just Don’t Know…

I’ve been back and forth on this… I’m so confused I just don’t know how to proceed. It all started several years ago (even longer if I really think about it), but it came to the surface in the mid 90s.

When I discovered the internet, I reacted like a 14 year old boy (even though I’m a somewhat older woman!)… the first sites I hit were the naked celebrity sites. After that I hit the adult chat sites. My first online experiences were in Bianca’s SmutShack.. closely followed by a jaunt into the Undernet via mIRC. I must have virtually commited every type of sex act there is… both light and dark, dangerous and bold, submissive and dominant. It was a complete and total turn on. It also unleashed a great creativity in me. I built several web pages under assumed names that reflected the different sexual personalities I had discovered in myself. I also had a sex-advice page for men about women that was very popular. Collectively, my sites had more than two-hundred thousand hits as well as many many fan letters.

Pretty soon I found myself the author of a book of erotica. It was published and sold pretty well. I wrote two more and was working on others.

At the same time, I happen to be a somewhat religious person. I’m not quite sure how to phrase it so that I don’t sound like Jim Bakker or something, but I would consider myself born again. On the other hand, I don’t think you have to be frigid to be Christian. But on the third hand, writing pornography is not exactly a Godly thing to do, especially the kind I was writing. I wrote rather extreme bdsm stuff, not exactly pure of thought. Somehow I couldn’t seem to reconcile these two sides of my personality.

My awakening really helped my marriage.